"Lying through her f*cking teeth"

  I got a text yesterday from a friend of ours, who had also attended the graduation with her husband and two daughters; she said that she and her oldest daughter had tested positive for COVID and we needed to be aware of any symptoms.  Not five minutes after my friend told me about her positive diagnosis, someone totally unrelated to them came into my work for two reasons; one was actually work-related and the other was to tell me about my friend's diagnosis so apparently, the news was already spreading around School City like wildfire.

  I told Daughter and said she probably ought to tell The Ex about it because a)The Ex and Ned were both at graduation and b)Daughter is supposed to go to Tiny City this weekend for a group birthday/graduation party.  Daughter thought maybe we could just skip informing The Ex of everything but I pointed out that The Ex's parents were supposed to attend the party; The Ex's dad has had health issues for years, dating back to when Husband and The Ex were still married.  After saying that, Daughter agreed that we ought to at least say there was a chance we were all exposed.  We decided the best course of action was to tell The Ex that someone who attended the graduation had tested positive and leave it at that.

  Daughter called The Ex and told her that someone who lived in School City and attended graduation had tested positive.  The Ex immediately asked who it was.  Daughter said she didn't know.  The Ex said she wanted to know if this person was sitting by us at graduation.  Again, Daughter told her that she didn't know.  The Ex kept questioning Daughter about who it was, how she found out, who the person was, etc.  Finally, she told Daughter that she was at work and said they'd have to talk later.  I told Daughter that I didn't feel right about telling her to lie to her mom, but...she needed to lie to her mom because this was going to turn into a giant fiasco if we started giving her details.  Daughter shrugged and said, "It's not the first time I've lied to her," and started laughing.

  Last night, Daughter remembered that she was supposed to talk to The Ex so she called her.  The Ex answered and she was in the car with at least Ned; I suspect that her younger kids were also in the vehicle but can't say for sure.  Daughter put The Ex on speakerphone without telling her; The Ex asked who Daughter was around.  Daughter legit lied straight to her mom and said she was in her room. (She was literally sitting in the living room with our entire family, excluding Son.)  The Ex asked her how she had found out about this COVID diagnosis.  Daughter muted the phone; I told her to say that one of my customers had come in and told me about it, which is 100% the truth.  Daughter told The Ex that someone had come into my work and told me; The Ex replied, "Oh, her boy toy?" (Here we go again...she's still trying to claim that I'm cheating on Husband which has never happened and never will.)  With more sarcasm than I know what to do with, Daughter turned off the speakerphone and replied, "Yeah, 'her boy toy.'  Totally.  Cuz she's definitely that kind of person."  The Ex said something else and Daughter replied, "Yeah, okay.  You go ahead and think whatever you want." (Bahahaha...she is just the coolest.  I love that she stands up for me when her mom starts this bullshit.)

  The Ex continued to grill Daughter about this diagnosis: who it was, how we knew it was real, why the school hadn't announced it, why the school didn't contact anyone, etc.  Then I heard Daughter say, "She's not lying!"  Apparently, The Ex told Daughter that I'm probably "lying through my fucking teeth" about someone in School City having COVID. (Ya.  Because that's what I spend my time doing.  I make up fake diagnoses about people during a global pandemic.  Honestly, this woman needs to have someone break a chair on her face.) The Ex also accused Daughter of lying for me.  Daughter told The Ex to look on Facebook because a bar/restaurant in School City had posted they were closed due to an employee testing positive.  The Ex hung up on Daughter.

  Daughter tried to call The Ex back; she refused to answer.  Daughter then texted her and said that I wasn't lying, it's on Facebook, provided The Ex with the name of the business that said they were closed, and told her to look it up herself.

  After a few minutes had passed, Husband said to Daughter, "I should probably thank your mom."  Daughter asked for what.  Husband said, "For helping me find out that [my name] has a 'boy toy.'"  Daughter and I laughed.  I shrugged and said, "I found out years ago from your mom that your dad physically abuses me, so..."

  And then, Daughter looked at me and said one of the funniest things that has ever left her mouth:
"Well, I found out from Mom that you're my mom." (If you need a reference as to why this is hilarious, read this blog post.)

  I thought we'd get at least some mediocre semblance of normalcy but no...The Ex is going to be crazy today, tomorrow, and for the rest of her life.