The Transition
After finding out what was going on in The Ex's house, I pained us to have to take the kids back there. The kids were still saying they wanted to come live with us, we didn't think the kids were doing well there but court orders are court orders. It said to return the kids to The Ex, so we did.
We spoke to a few lawyers who all said that it sounded like an attorney was the best option but if we didn't have the money for it, then we'd have to make do without one. This idea was very, very scary. We knew how vindictive The Ex was. If we fought her for custody and lost because we didn't have a strong enough case, she was going to make our lives a living hell. She interfered with Husband's placement, bad-mouthed him to the kids, made insane demands which we'd try to comply with just to keep the peace - and this was all before we went back to court.
We finally located an attorney who was willing to work out a payment plan with us. Our Attorney met with us on Mother's Day(Ironic, right? We met on Mother's Day to talk about what a horrible mom that The Ex is). Our Attorney got the details, read through the police reports, took notes and finally said, "I think you have a really good case here." We hired Our Attorney on the spot. (People warned us to be careful, said Attorney might just be trying to squeeze some coin out of us and telling us how "great" our case was when it really wasn't that great. Fortunately, that was not the case with Our Attorney :) )
A couple weeks later, Our Attorney had the paperwork ready and filed. One day, Husband was on the phone with The Ex about something when she asked, "So you're trying to take the kids away from me?" (We were very surprised by this. We thought once The Ex got the paperwork, she'd call up Husband ranting and raving. Instead, she got served and didn't even react) Husband said he was not trying to take the kids away from her; he was doing what he felt was best for them. The Ex asked, "So what, you think I'm a bad mom?" (No lie, she actually asked this question.) Husband told her he had to go and they hung up.
The first step was mediation. (I don't know how your state works but here, you have to first sit down with a mediator, who is pretty much like a referee for two grown adults. I guess it's supposed to save the courts time and money by seeing if you can "work it out" without the court intervening. When you're dealing with a high-conflict parent like The Ex, mediation will be a complete waste of time and energy) So they went to mediation. Nothing got resolved, although The Ex got a verbal reprimand from the mediator because The Ex admitted she knew Boyfriend didn't have a valid driver's license and was letting him drive the kids around.
Next step: guardian ad litem. We went in on a Monday. GAL was great to deal with; was laid back, took lots and lots of notes, asked specific questions about the kids and us. At one point, I told GAL that I didn't want to come off as badmouthing The Ex, but we just wanted what was best for the kids; GAL replied, "I don't think you're badmouthing her; you're not in here saying 'I hate her guts!' You're just bringing up legitimate concerns that you have about the children." GAL said that unless The Ex agreed to the kids coming to live here, this would probably have to go to trial which would mean the kids would start the school year with The Ex (Hearing that will definitely knock the wind out of your sails; imagining those poor kids being stuck in that household for another year...) GAL asked when we had the kids next; we said we currently had them and were supposed to take them back to The Ex's house that night. GAL asked if we could bring the kids to the office so they could talk about what they wanted; GAL also mentioned that The Ex still had not come in for a meeting. Husband and I left, Husband took the kids back to meet with GAL. After the meeting, the kids asked if they could stay a few days longer with us. Husband called The Ex, who agreed the kids would come back home Wednesday night.
Wednesday morning, Our Attorney calls and asks when we have the kids next. I say we have them now and are taking them back to The Ex that night. Our Attorney says, "No, you're not." I say I have to, there's a court order. Our Attorney says she talked to GAL who is expressing major concerns over what is/isn't going on in The Ex's household; Attorney repeats that we are not to return the children. I say I'm going to call GAL and find out what is happening. I get on the phone with GAL, repeat that Our Attorney is telling me not to take the kids back to The Ex. GAL tells me, "Then listen to your attorney, that's what you pay her for." I say I'm not sure what to do because Husband is court-ordered to take the kids back to The Ex. GAL states that the most The Ex can do is file a motion for contempt and if she does actually do this, GAL will personally write a letter of recommendation that Husband not be found in contempt because GAL feels the kids are unsafe in The Ex's household.
Husband gets out of work on Wednesday, I say we're not taking the kids back to The Ex, explain everything all over again. Husband calls The Ex that night, says he won't be bringing the kids back and he will see her in court in three weeks. The Ex threatens to call the cops; Husband tells her to go ahead.
Thursday morning, Husband gets a message from a police officer in New City. Since he was at work, I call the officer back. The officer says she'll need to speak to Husband to close the report, but at this point, the police will not be taking action against Husband because they've spoken to GAL and are forwarding the report to Child Protective Services. (Now your stomach starts doing backflips. What the hell was going on over there that CPS is getting involved??)
Down the road, we came to find out that when the kids went to meet with GAL, they had separate interviews. Both kids started with the age-old lines of "I don't remember" or "I can't talk about it." GAL swore to secrecy and eventually, both kids opened up. They said they were being left alone in the middle of the night while The Ex and Boyfriend went to work. The worst part of all of it: they were being left alone with their baby sister. Apparently, GAL told The Ex that the kids said this and noted that if this was actually happening, it was illegal. The Ex replied, "I'm not talking to you without a lawyer." (Omg, who says that??? Oh, yes - guilty people say that. They think it's going to keep them out of trouble) GAL said, "I am a lawyer." The Ex repeated she wasn't going to talk without a lawyer present, so the interview ended. (The Ex returned the next morning to "finish"; she had hired Attorney 1 and brought him with her)
Day of court comes. We show up with Attorney. The Ex shows up with Boyfriend, Attorney 1, her mom, her sister, her cousin and her neighbor. (No, honest. Seven people were all in the courtroom just for The Ex alone.) The attorneys and GAL go into the hallway to talk; I overhear bits and pieces through the door and it sounds positive for us. Someone opens the door, asks The Ex and Husband to come outside. The door closes, more talking. The door opens, they ask Boyfriend to come out and ask me about the kids attending school by us. I step into the hallway; Husband is standing with Our Attorney and GAL. The Ex and Boyfriend are sitting down the hall a little ways with Attorney 1; I can see The Ex wiping her face like she's crying.
I'm told they're coming to a temporary agreement until we can have a court trial - the kids will come to live with us while this happens. (It was a bit surreal. Husband and I had been praying for this for over three years; now it was finally happening) The Ex initially demanded that she get to have the kids on every single weekend; GAL wouldn't go for that. They agreed to The Ex getting two weekends, Husband getting one weekend, repeat. The Ex was objecting to the parochial school we wanted to send the kids to, even though we were going to pay the tuition (Back to the "I'm so Catholic that I don't go to church, ever" argument). We agree that The Ex will not pay child support.
We go back into the courtroom and sit in front of the commissioner (Again, not sure how your state works. Our state has commissioners who are like mini-judges; they can hold hearings, make decisions, etc. without tying up the judge's calendar all the time) GAL states we're leaving school choice open because The Ex is objecting; we're offering to leave it open for another week so The Ex can contact the school about their teachings, find out what she does/doesn't like and then proceed from there. Commissioner asks what her objections are. The Ex says she objects because it's not a Catholic school. Commissioner asks what, specifically, she objects to. The Ex says, "Well, I know they're pretty much the same thing." Commissioner tells her he studied world religions in college and no, they are not "the same thing" and again asks what The Ex is objecting to. The Ex hems and haws; Commissioner says it's too close to the school year to give The Ex time to look into the school, decide she doesn't like it, and then we only have a week to get the kids enrolled. Commissioner rules that for that year, legal custody in regard to school choice is left solely to Husband.
GAL says we're leaving child support open. Commissioner asks why. GAL says Husband doesn't feel it's needed. Commissioner asks Husband what he's earning; Husband responds. Commissioner asks The Ex what she's earning: "$16.02 an hour." (Our Attorney's jaw hit the floor. We honestly believed that The Ex was only earning $9-10 an hour. This was shocking to hear) Commissioner states that The Ex should be paying something in child support, even if it's less than state guidelines. Attorney 1 argues that The Ex and Boyfriend are going to counseling for his alcohol abuse and its impact on their relationship; Boyfriend doesn't have insurance so it's going to cost a lot out-of-pocket. Commissioner says to submit documentation showing what medical costs are and child support can be based on those figures. Commissioner rules that the kids are not to have contact with Boyfriend and that The Ex also cannot consume alcohol during her placement periods.
We leave court feeling great. The Ex calls her sister, crying. She was not crying over losing custody of her children; she called crying that she was going to lose her brand-new van that she had just bought 2 months ago because she was going to stop getting child support. (Can't even make this stuff up)
The kids went to her house for the weekend, we picked them up Sunday night. Son began talking to me about something, then abruptly stopped. I asked what was going on; Son said, "I'm not supposed to tell you anything about what happens in Mom's house." I asked why he thought that and he said, "Because, you and Dad will tell the judge. Then Mom will lose and I'll never see her again." (It truly takes a disgustingly selfish, twisted individual to scare her child into silence. Rather than making better choices for her children, she gives them a crappy life and then tells them to lie to their father to cover herself. Quality parenting, right there.)
We spoke to a few lawyers who all said that it sounded like an attorney was the best option but if we didn't have the money for it, then we'd have to make do without one. This idea was very, very scary. We knew how vindictive The Ex was. If we fought her for custody and lost because we didn't have a strong enough case, she was going to make our lives a living hell. She interfered with Husband's placement, bad-mouthed him to the kids, made insane demands which we'd try to comply with just to keep the peace - and this was all before we went back to court.
We finally located an attorney who was willing to work out a payment plan with us. Our Attorney met with us on Mother's Day(Ironic, right? We met on Mother's Day to talk about what a horrible mom that The Ex is). Our Attorney got the details, read through the police reports, took notes and finally said, "I think you have a really good case here." We hired Our Attorney on the spot. (People warned us to be careful, said Attorney might just be trying to squeeze some coin out of us and telling us how "great" our case was when it really wasn't that great. Fortunately, that was not the case with Our Attorney :) )
A couple weeks later, Our Attorney had the paperwork ready and filed. One day, Husband was on the phone with The Ex about something when she asked, "So you're trying to take the kids away from me?" (We were very surprised by this. We thought once The Ex got the paperwork, she'd call up Husband ranting and raving. Instead, she got served and didn't even react) Husband said he was not trying to take the kids away from her; he was doing what he felt was best for them. The Ex asked, "So what, you think I'm a bad mom?" (No lie, she actually asked this question.) Husband told her he had to go and they hung up.
The first step was mediation. (I don't know how your state works but here, you have to first sit down with a mediator, who is pretty much like a referee for two grown adults. I guess it's supposed to save the courts time and money by seeing if you can "work it out" without the court intervening. When you're dealing with a high-conflict parent like The Ex, mediation will be a complete waste of time and energy) So they went to mediation. Nothing got resolved, although The Ex got a verbal reprimand from the mediator because The Ex admitted she knew Boyfriend didn't have a valid driver's license and was letting him drive the kids around.
Next step: guardian ad litem. We went in on a Monday. GAL was great to deal with; was laid back, took lots and lots of notes, asked specific questions about the kids and us. At one point, I told GAL that I didn't want to come off as badmouthing The Ex, but we just wanted what was best for the kids; GAL replied, "I don't think you're badmouthing her; you're not in here saying 'I hate her guts!' You're just bringing up legitimate concerns that you have about the children." GAL said that unless The Ex agreed to the kids coming to live here, this would probably have to go to trial which would mean the kids would start the school year with The Ex (Hearing that will definitely knock the wind out of your sails; imagining those poor kids being stuck in that household for another year...) GAL asked when we had the kids next; we said we currently had them and were supposed to take them back to The Ex's house that night. GAL asked if we could bring the kids to the office so they could talk about what they wanted; GAL also mentioned that The Ex still had not come in for a meeting. Husband and I left, Husband took the kids back to meet with GAL. After the meeting, the kids asked if they could stay a few days longer with us. Husband called The Ex, who agreed the kids would come back home Wednesday night.
Wednesday morning, Our Attorney calls and asks when we have the kids next. I say we have them now and are taking them back to The Ex that night. Our Attorney says, "No, you're not." I say I have to, there's a court order. Our Attorney says she talked to GAL who is expressing major concerns over what is/isn't going on in The Ex's household; Attorney repeats that we are not to return the children. I say I'm going to call GAL and find out what is happening. I get on the phone with GAL, repeat that Our Attorney is telling me not to take the kids back to The Ex. GAL tells me, "Then listen to your attorney, that's what you pay her for." I say I'm not sure what to do because Husband is court-ordered to take the kids back to The Ex. GAL states that the most The Ex can do is file a motion for contempt and if she does actually do this, GAL will personally write a letter of recommendation that Husband not be found in contempt because GAL feels the kids are unsafe in The Ex's household.
Husband gets out of work on Wednesday, I say we're not taking the kids back to The Ex, explain everything all over again. Husband calls The Ex that night, says he won't be bringing the kids back and he will see her in court in three weeks. The Ex threatens to call the cops; Husband tells her to go ahead.
Thursday morning, Husband gets a message from a police officer in New City. Since he was at work, I call the officer back. The officer says she'll need to speak to Husband to close the report, but at this point, the police will not be taking action against Husband because they've spoken to GAL and are forwarding the report to Child Protective Services. (Now your stomach starts doing backflips. What the hell was going on over there that CPS is getting involved??)
Down the road, we came to find out that when the kids went to meet with GAL, they had separate interviews. Both kids started with the age-old lines of "I don't remember" or "I can't talk about it." GAL swore to secrecy and eventually, both kids opened up. They said they were being left alone in the middle of the night while The Ex and Boyfriend went to work. The worst part of all of it: they were being left alone with their baby sister. Apparently, GAL told The Ex that the kids said this and noted that if this was actually happening, it was illegal. The Ex replied, "I'm not talking to you without a lawyer." (Omg, who says that??? Oh, yes - guilty people say that. They think it's going to keep them out of trouble) GAL said, "I am a lawyer." The Ex repeated she wasn't going to talk without a lawyer present, so the interview ended. (The Ex returned the next morning to "finish"; she had hired Attorney 1 and brought him with her)
Day of court comes. We show up with Attorney. The Ex shows up with Boyfriend, Attorney 1, her mom, her sister, her cousin and her neighbor. (No, honest. Seven people were all in the courtroom just for The Ex alone.) The attorneys and GAL go into the hallway to talk; I overhear bits and pieces through the door and it sounds positive for us. Someone opens the door, asks The Ex and Husband to come outside. The door closes, more talking. The door opens, they ask Boyfriend to come out and ask me about the kids attending school by us. I step into the hallway; Husband is standing with Our Attorney and GAL. The Ex and Boyfriend are sitting down the hall a little ways with Attorney 1; I can see The Ex wiping her face like she's crying.
I'm told they're coming to a temporary agreement until we can have a court trial - the kids will come to live with us while this happens. (It was a bit surreal. Husband and I had been praying for this for over three years; now it was finally happening) The Ex initially demanded that she get to have the kids on every single weekend; GAL wouldn't go for that. They agreed to The Ex getting two weekends, Husband getting one weekend, repeat. The Ex was objecting to the parochial school we wanted to send the kids to, even though we were going to pay the tuition (Back to the "I'm so Catholic that I don't go to church, ever" argument). We agree that The Ex will not pay child support.
We go back into the courtroom and sit in front of the commissioner (Again, not sure how your state works. Our state has commissioners who are like mini-judges; they can hold hearings, make decisions, etc. without tying up the judge's calendar all the time) GAL states we're leaving school choice open because The Ex is objecting; we're offering to leave it open for another week so The Ex can contact the school about their teachings, find out what she does/doesn't like and then proceed from there. Commissioner asks what her objections are. The Ex says she objects because it's not a Catholic school. Commissioner asks what, specifically, she objects to. The Ex says, "Well, I know they're pretty much the same thing." Commissioner tells her he studied world religions in college and no, they are not "the same thing" and again asks what The Ex is objecting to. The Ex hems and haws; Commissioner says it's too close to the school year to give The Ex time to look into the school, decide she doesn't like it, and then we only have a week to get the kids enrolled. Commissioner rules that for that year, legal custody in regard to school choice is left solely to Husband.
GAL says we're leaving child support open. Commissioner asks why. GAL says Husband doesn't feel it's needed. Commissioner asks Husband what he's earning; Husband responds. Commissioner asks The Ex what she's earning: "$16.02 an hour." (Our Attorney's jaw hit the floor. We honestly believed that The Ex was only earning $9-10 an hour. This was shocking to hear) Commissioner states that The Ex should be paying something in child support, even if it's less than state guidelines. Attorney 1 argues that The Ex and Boyfriend are going to counseling for his alcohol abuse and its impact on their relationship; Boyfriend doesn't have insurance so it's going to cost a lot out-of-pocket. Commissioner says to submit documentation showing what medical costs are and child support can be based on those figures. Commissioner rules that the kids are not to have contact with Boyfriend and that The Ex also cannot consume alcohol during her placement periods.
We leave court feeling great. The Ex calls her sister, crying. She was not crying over losing custody of her children; she called crying that she was going to lose her brand-new van that she had just bought 2 months ago because she was going to stop getting child support. (Can't even make this stuff up)
The kids went to her house for the weekend, we picked them up Sunday night. Son began talking to me about something, then abruptly stopped. I asked what was going on; Son said, "I'm not supposed to tell you anything about what happens in Mom's house." I asked why he thought that and he said, "Because, you and Dad will tell the judge. Then Mom will lose and I'll never see her again." (It truly takes a disgustingly selfish, twisted individual to scare her child into silence. Rather than making better choices for her children, she gives them a crappy life and then tells them to lie to their father to cover herself. Quality parenting, right there.)
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