"I have talked with her."
*** Disclaimer: This blog post involves discussing menstruation and the female reproductive system. If you get uncomfortable with these topic(s), you might want to skip this one. ***
I'll be quite honest - a lot of people don't like talking about private things with their parents. Even though as grown adults we all realize that "we all go through it" and it's normal, it doesn't make it easier when we're younger. This is why Husband and I try very, very hard to talk openly about things and always tell all of our kids that there is nothing to be ashamed of; their bodies are changing, things are different, they're going to have questions and it's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. (Did I tell you that Son asked me how you french-kiss? Afterward he asked if I thought it was "weird" that he asked me; I told him no, because he didn't know how, he wanted to know, and that was totally normal for his age.) So with that being explained, let's begin:
Husband created an account on 2houses and sent The Ex an email invite. Less than two hours later, Husband got an email saying that The Ex had sent him a message on the site with the subject, "[Daughter]"
Husband logged in and read this:
"[Daughter] is now a young lady. You drove away before I came down. (The Ex is referring to the prior evening when Husband picked up the kids at 5:30pm and left - exactly like he does every time he picks up the kids. The Ex never indicated that she wanted to speak to him, yet she acts like she was approaching his vehicle and he raced away from her home.) I wanted to talk to you in private for her sake about this. (Sooo...you wanted to have a "private" discussion with Daughter AND Son sitting in the vehicle next to Husband? How would that have been "private"?)
You will have to make sure you buy her feminine products. (A year and a half ago, we purchased "feminine products" for Daughter. Daughter has relatives who had their period at 11 years old; we anticipated her developing early and took appropriate actions so that everyone in our home would be prepared.) She likes always brand with wings. (Daughter and I had a conversation a few weeks prior to this. When I said something about pads having "wings," Daughter scrunched up her face like I was speaking Chinese and started laughing.) She'll also need pantie liners for her lighter days. (Well, it's a good thing that The Ex let us know all of this. After all, it's not like I have a vagina or have experienced a period ever in my life.)
She has told me she doesn't want to talk to either you or [my name, still spelled wrong] about this. (I can see Daughter being uncomfortable talking to Husband about this, but me? Daughter and I get along better than Daughter and The Ex do; she just told me the other day, "You should buy my more bras." Since when does Daughter not want to talk to me about these kinds of things?) I have talked with her. (Okay, great. You're her mom; it's kind of what you're supposed to do.) Please buy her these items for your house."
Husband replied and said thank you for letting him know and that Daughter has already had these items at our house for quite some time.
The next day, Daughter and I went to the store. On the way there, I asked her how long it had been since she started her period; she said she wasn't sure. I said an estimate was fine - did she think a month, a year, somewhere in between? Daughter said a year was "way too long" so maybe a few months. I asked if she was regular or if it had "evened out" yet; Daughter said she didn't know what I meant by that. I explained that when you first get your period, it's not always regular; sometimes you get it every other week, sometimes it's every five weeks, etc. Daughter said she had no idea if it had evened out; I told her it might take some time but it was important to keep track so we could let her doctor know when she started seeing a gynocologist.
I explained that her doctor would want to know if she had a regular period to make sure that her ovaries were working. Daughter said, "Okay...." I asked if she knew what an ovary was; Daughter said no. (Erm...I thought that The Ex "talked with her" about this) I told Daughter that she had two ovaries, one on the end of each fallopian tube. Daughter stayed quiet. I asked if she knew what a fallopian tube was. "No." (Okay, so Daughter doesn't know what an ovary or a fallopian tube are. Maybe The Ex isn't comfortable using the anatomically correct words. Sure, we'll run with that.) I pull up a picture of the female reproductive system on my phone and point out the different parts while telling Daughter what their names and purposes are. I then ask if Daughter understands why she gets a period every month. She replies, "No," and starts laughing because she keeps saying she doesn't know anything about this stuff. (Outside, I am laughing with Daughter to keep the mood light. Inside, I am absolutely baffled as to what The Ex "talked with her" about. Daughter knows NOTHING about her own body or what is going on with it.)
We get to the store and approach the "feminine product" aisle. I ask if she wants tampons or pads; she says, "No tampons." I say, "Okay, no tampons ever. Tampons suck; we hate tampons." (Just in case you hadn't noticed, our family is extremely sarcastic and I use humor to relieve tension in pretty much every single situation.) Daughter laughed and said, "Well, I don't hate them. I just don't know how to use them." (Omfg....honestly, what did The Ex "talk with her" about?! Did a talk even take place??) I give her a rundown on how to use/remove a tampon. I say we can look at home because the boxes always come with instructions; if she's comfortable she can try what we have at home but we'll stick with pads for now.
I ask how the last ones we bought her worked out; Daughter says they were good, we can get those ones again. (We bought store brand last time. Daughter said those worked just fine for her; I don't know where The Ex is coming up with Daughter "preferring" Always brand.) I ask if she wants the ones with wings or without. Daughter says she doesn't care, it doesn't matter to her. ("She prefers always brand with wings." That's what The Ex claims, anyway.) I ask if she wants to get panty liners; she shrugs and asks what they're for. (Now I'm wondering why The Ex demanded that we purchase these, if Daughter doesn't even know what they are or how/when you use them. It's not like Daughter said, "I really need panty liners, but Dad and [my name] won't buy me any.")
We get home from the store. We unpack everything we bought and start putting it away. I find more pads upstairs and tell Daughter I found more. She says, "Yeah, I knew they were there." I shrug and say I don't know, The Ex told Husband that he needed to buy some. Daughter says, "I told her I already had some and she just kept asking. I was like, 'Yes, they got me some' and she kept saying, 'Are you sure?'" (O. M. G.)
So to summarize, Daughter learned about the different parts of her reproductive system, why she gets a period in the first place, how to use tampons, and what panty liners are for; she knew none of these things despite The Ex having "talked with her." I learned that The Ex already knew we had purchased feminine products for Daughter but acted like Husband was neglecting her, and that she lied about Daughter not wanting to talk to me about her period.
Do you know how I know that she lied about Daughter not wanting to talk to me? Since we had this conversation, Daughter and I have a standing joke about tampon removal. We look at each other and make a cork-popping sound, and then both giggle. Yeah, sounds like Daughter completely does not want to talk to me about this at all, ever.
You know, I wouldn't care if Daughter didn't want to talk to me. I can understand that she may not be entirely comfortable discussing these things with me because I'm not her "real" mom. If she honestly wanted to talk to The Ex about these things, I would be okay with it. But the problem here is that The Ex has reached a jealously level that is so unhealthy, that now she's interfering with her child's knowledge. The Ex doesn't care what information Daughter has about herself; she just doesn't want me to be the one to give it to her. The Ex doesn't care if Daughter is clueless about her own body; she just doesn't want me to be the one to educate her. The Ex doesn't want Daughter to advance unless she is directly involved, and is willing to lie to Husband just to maintain her own level of importance in the kids' lives that she's established in her psychotic little wonderland.
THAT is why I have a problem with her.
I'll be quite honest - a lot of people don't like talking about private things with their parents. Even though as grown adults we all realize that "we all go through it" and it's normal, it doesn't make it easier when we're younger. This is why Husband and I try very, very hard to talk openly about things and always tell all of our kids that there is nothing to be ashamed of; their bodies are changing, things are different, they're going to have questions and it's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. (Did I tell you that Son asked me how you french-kiss? Afterward he asked if I thought it was "weird" that he asked me; I told him no, because he didn't know how, he wanted to know, and that was totally normal for his age.) So with that being explained, let's begin:
Husband created an account on 2houses and sent The Ex an email invite. Less than two hours later, Husband got an email saying that The Ex had sent him a message on the site with the subject, "[Daughter]"
Husband logged in and read this:
"[Daughter] is now a young lady. You drove away before I came down. (The Ex is referring to the prior evening when Husband picked up the kids at 5:30pm and left - exactly like he does every time he picks up the kids. The Ex never indicated that she wanted to speak to him, yet she acts like she was approaching his vehicle and he raced away from her home.) I wanted to talk to you in private for her sake about this. (Sooo...you wanted to have a "private" discussion with Daughter AND Son sitting in the vehicle next to Husband? How would that have been "private"?)
You will have to make sure you buy her feminine products. (A year and a half ago, we purchased "feminine products" for Daughter. Daughter has relatives who had their period at 11 years old; we anticipated her developing early and took appropriate actions so that everyone in our home would be prepared.) She likes always brand with wings. (Daughter and I had a conversation a few weeks prior to this. When I said something about pads having "wings," Daughter scrunched up her face like I was speaking Chinese and started laughing.) She'll also need pantie liners for her lighter days. (Well, it's a good thing that The Ex let us know all of this. After all, it's not like I have a vagina or have experienced a period ever in my life.)
She has told me she doesn't want to talk to either you or [my name, still spelled wrong] about this. (I can see Daughter being uncomfortable talking to Husband about this, but me? Daughter and I get along better than Daughter and The Ex do; she just told me the other day, "You should buy my more bras." Since when does Daughter not want to talk to me about these kinds of things?) I have talked with her. (Okay, great. You're her mom; it's kind of what you're supposed to do.) Please buy her these items for your house."
Husband replied and said thank you for letting him know and that Daughter has already had these items at our house for quite some time.
The next day, Daughter and I went to the store. On the way there, I asked her how long it had been since she started her period; she said she wasn't sure. I said an estimate was fine - did she think a month, a year, somewhere in between? Daughter said a year was "way too long" so maybe a few months. I asked if she was regular or if it had "evened out" yet; Daughter said she didn't know what I meant by that. I explained that when you first get your period, it's not always regular; sometimes you get it every other week, sometimes it's every five weeks, etc. Daughter said she had no idea if it had evened out; I told her it might take some time but it was important to keep track so we could let her doctor know when she started seeing a gynocologist.
I explained that her doctor would want to know if she had a regular period to make sure that her ovaries were working. Daughter said, "Okay...." I asked if she knew what an ovary was; Daughter said no. (Erm...I thought that The Ex "talked with her" about this) I told Daughter that she had two ovaries, one on the end of each fallopian tube. Daughter stayed quiet. I asked if she knew what a fallopian tube was. "No." (Okay, so Daughter doesn't know what an ovary or a fallopian tube are. Maybe The Ex isn't comfortable using the anatomically correct words. Sure, we'll run with that.) I pull up a picture of the female reproductive system on my phone and point out the different parts while telling Daughter what their names and purposes are. I then ask if Daughter understands why she gets a period every month. She replies, "No," and starts laughing because she keeps saying she doesn't know anything about this stuff. (Outside, I am laughing with Daughter to keep the mood light. Inside, I am absolutely baffled as to what The Ex "talked with her" about. Daughter knows NOTHING about her own body or what is going on with it.)
We get to the store and approach the "feminine product" aisle. I ask if she wants tampons or pads; she says, "No tampons." I say, "Okay, no tampons ever. Tampons suck; we hate tampons." (Just in case you hadn't noticed, our family is extremely sarcastic and I use humor to relieve tension in pretty much every single situation.) Daughter laughed and said, "Well, I don't hate them. I just don't know how to use them." (Omfg....honestly, what did The Ex "talk with her" about?! Did a talk even take place??) I give her a rundown on how to use/remove a tampon. I say we can look at home because the boxes always come with instructions; if she's comfortable she can try what we have at home but we'll stick with pads for now.
I ask how the last ones we bought her worked out; Daughter says they were good, we can get those ones again. (We bought store brand last time. Daughter said those worked just fine for her; I don't know where The Ex is coming up with Daughter "preferring" Always brand.) I ask if she wants the ones with wings or without. Daughter says she doesn't care, it doesn't matter to her. ("She prefers always brand with wings." That's what The Ex claims, anyway.) I ask if she wants to get panty liners; she shrugs and asks what they're for. (Now I'm wondering why The Ex demanded that we purchase these, if Daughter doesn't even know what they are or how/when you use them. It's not like Daughter said, "I really need panty liners, but Dad and [my name] won't buy me any.")
We get home from the store. We unpack everything we bought and start putting it away. I find more pads upstairs and tell Daughter I found more. She says, "Yeah, I knew they were there." I shrug and say I don't know, The Ex told Husband that he needed to buy some. Daughter says, "I told her I already had some and she just kept asking. I was like, 'Yes, they got me some' and she kept saying, 'Are you sure?'" (O. M. G.)
So to summarize, Daughter learned about the different parts of her reproductive system, why she gets a period in the first place, how to use tampons, and what panty liners are for; she knew none of these things despite The Ex having "talked with her." I learned that The Ex already knew we had purchased feminine products for Daughter but acted like Husband was neglecting her, and that she lied about Daughter not wanting to talk to me about her period.
Do you know how I know that she lied about Daughter not wanting to talk to me? Since we had this conversation, Daughter and I have a standing joke about tampon removal. We look at each other and make a cork-popping sound, and then both giggle. Yeah, sounds like Daughter completely does not want to talk to me about this at all, ever.
You know, I wouldn't care if Daughter didn't want to talk to me. I can understand that she may not be entirely comfortable discussing these things with me because I'm not her "real" mom. If she honestly wanted to talk to The Ex about these things, I would be okay with it. But the problem here is that The Ex has reached a jealously level that is so unhealthy, that now she's interfering with her child's knowledge. The Ex doesn't care what information Daughter has about herself; she just doesn't want me to be the one to give it to her. The Ex doesn't care if Daughter is clueless about her own body; she just doesn't want me to be the one to educate her. The Ex doesn't want Daughter to advance unless she is directly involved, and is willing to lie to Husband just to maintain her own level of importance in the kids' lives that she's established in her psychotic little wonderland.
THAT is why I have a problem with her.
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