Making a list, checking it twice...
I came across this on another blog and decided to do a good old copy-and-paste. Parental Alienation Syndrome is very real and very scary. Fortunately, both Husband and I have a decent enough relationship with both Son and Daughter that we get along with them for the most part, despite The Ex's constant attempts to make us the "bad guys."
I'll go through and put into bold each of these that Husband and/or I have experienced from The Ex, along with commentary:
Some early signs of Parental Alienation:
1. Children perceive one parent as causing financial problems of the other parent (When the kids lived with The Ex, she got almost $400 in child support every month and still "didn't have any money" and was "tired of paying for everything." Now that the kids live here, The Ex doesn't have any money because she pays less than $200 each month in child support. Son once angrily stated that "all [Husband] wants to do is waste [The Ex's] money." Yeah, because I have NOTHING else occupying my time than to plot out ways to waste your mother's money.)
2. Children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the legal aspects of the divorce or separation (The very first weekend that The Ex had visitation after Husband won a temporary order for physical custody, Son came home and told me that he can't talk to us because "we'll tell the judge and then Mom will lose and he'll never see her again." Five days later, he told my sister that he "didn't know why Mom had to pay child support when Dad never paid her." Son was nine years old when these statements were made.)
3. Children show sudden negative change in their attitude toward a parent/guardian (When we first got custody of the kids, Daughter called me "Mom" for three straight weeks. She spent one weekend with The Ex, came home calling me by my first name and hasn't called me anything else for the last 5 1/2 years. Not to mention that when they were little, they'd cuddle us and laugh with us; as soon as we were around The Ex, they acted differently.)
4. Children appear uneasy around target parent - they resort to "one word" answers and fail to engage openly in conversations as they previously have done(See explanations for #1 and #3)
5. Children are uncharacteristically rude and/or belligerent to target parent (We don't experience this. Son and Daughter know better than to disrespect us, at least to our faces.)
6. Access time is not occurring as agreed upon or court ordered - visitation is being unilaterally cut back by the other parent(Before we got custody of the kids, The Ex would always have excuses as to why she was late or why Husband couldn't have the kids, but I remember one time in particular. Husband tried calling The Ex because she was almost 2 hours late and she had turned off her phone. After calling three different people, Husband finally learned that the kids had just gotten dropped off with The Ex's parents, who said they would be bringing the kids over to our house. At the end of it all, the kids were 3 hours late; this wasn't the first or the last time that The Ex pulled this with Husband's visitation.)
7. Hostile Aggressive Parent (HAP) parent undermines the other parent or speaks disparagingly about other parent in the presence of the children (All. The. Time.)
8. HAP parent starts making reference to other parent as being abusive and a risk to the children with no apparent good reason (The Ex told the GAL that Husband abuses me and the kids. The Ex told the police that Husband choked Son and pushed him up against a vehicle.)
9. Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent, even though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that choice (I can't really say she's done this, although I'm positive that this would now be a constant issue if she still had physical custody.)
10. Telling the children about why the marriage failed and giving them the details about the divorce or separation settlement (At 10 years old, Son told me that Husband and The Ex got divorced because "Daddy was dating other girls." It wasn't true but even if it was, there is no reason a child needs to hear that.)
11. Refusing the other parent access to medical and school records or schedules of extracurricular activities (I remember after I had been with Husband for a while and had really started to become a part of the kids' lives, I realized it was complete and utter crap that he never had anything from the kids' school. Husband said during the divorce, The Ex had told the school that he wasn't allowed to have any of the kids' information. I contacted the school, who actually blamed Husband for them not providing anything to him; they claimed that he should have kept his address updated with them. We sent a written request for the kids' information and included a copy of the court order giving Husband access to it. A few months later, we received a copy of registration papers; the primary contact was The Ex, the secondary contact was The Ex's mom, and the third contact was The Ex's sister. Husband's name, address, or phone number were not on any of the kids' school paperwork.)
12. Blaming the other parent for not having enough money, changes in lifestyle, or other problems in the children's presence (Every time The Ex has no money, it's our fault. I have recently started telling Husband that it's his fault that The Ex married Boyfriend and is unhappy because he wouldn't get back together with her. I honestly can imagine her saying something like that.)
13. Rigid enforcement of the visitation schedule for no good reason other than getting back at the other parent (Not really. She more often tries to change it at the last second and if Husband doesn't comply, then she tries to say he refuses to work with her.)
14. False allegations of sexual abuse, drug and alcohol use or other illegal activities by the other parent (The Ex told the police that the kids told her that they've seen us having sex and that we walk around our home naked. The Ex told the GAL that we left the kids home alone at the ages of 9, 7 and 2 so that we could go out drinking with our neighbors.)
15. Asks the children to choose one parent over the other (I'm not going to put this one in bold because I can't directly relate something to it, but I know she does this. There was one day the kids said they wanted to do something here and The Ex turned it into, "Do you want to come with me this weekend and do [activity name here] or do you want to stay with your dad?")
16. Reminding the children that the children have good reason to feel angry toward their other parent (This one I'll put in bold. The Ex has told the kids that Husband just does things to hurt her. The Ex has also told the kids that Husband lied about her in court and that's why he has custody.)
17. Setting up temptations that interfere with visitation (Back when The Ex had physical custody and we only had the kids 4 days a month, one of Daughter's friends was having a pool party on a Saturday that fell on Husband's weekend. The Ex did not call and ask to switch so that Daughter could go; The Ex had Daughter call Husband and ask him to bring her to the party in New City.)
18. Giving the children the impression that having a good time on a visit will hurt the parent (Alllll the time. As soon as the kids say they're having fun here, The Ex throws out, "I miss you! I wish you were here!" Or, she'll tell them what she's making for dinner and if the kids say they want some, she says something really sh*tty like, "If you were here, you could have some.")
19. Asking the children about the other parent's personal life (Son told me when he was younger that he "needed to tell Mom what happened here.")
20. Rescuing' the children from the other parent when there is no danger (During the divorce, The Ex tried to get Husband's visitation supervised; the court told her no. The Ex frequently told Husband he should sign off his parental rights because "the kids don't need someone like him in their lives." Yet she married an alcoholic who hits her...)
It's very sad for me to type all of these things out. I've been a part of Son and Daughter's lives for nine years; we live with this every day. I often wonder at what age the kids will begin to take the blinders off. Nobody wants to think or imagine that their parent is lying to them but unfortunately, the kids know something isn't adding up. When he was 10, Son sat and tearfully told us, "You guys tell me one thing and Mom tells me something else, and I don't know who's lying to me."
I feel like our silence is sometimes our downfall; The Ex is always running her mouth about us while we say nothing to them. After all, if you're only hearing one side of the story then what would you believe? At times, I want to throw her under the bus. I want to tell the kids why The Ex lost custody. I want to tell them that everything she's told them over the last decade is a lie. I want to draw out comparisons - The Ex is the one telling them to lie and keep secrets while we encourage honesty and openness, so how can they possibly feel that we're the ones who are being dishonest with them?
It's frustrating. So very, very frustrating. I think our one saving grace is that we have physical custody so the kids are not fed this garbage on a daily basis. Yes, they are exposed to it but they can get away from it. I say a prayer for all of the families torn apart by PAS; this is such a horrible thing and no child should ever be subjected to it.
I'll go through and put into bold each of these that Husband and/or I have experienced from The Ex, along with commentary:
Some early signs of Parental Alienation:
1. Children perceive one parent as causing financial problems of the other parent (When the kids lived with The Ex, she got almost $400 in child support every month and still "didn't have any money" and was "tired of paying for everything." Now that the kids live here, The Ex doesn't have any money because she pays less than $200 each month in child support. Son once angrily stated that "all [Husband] wants to do is waste [The Ex's] money." Yeah, because I have NOTHING else occupying my time than to plot out ways to waste your mother's money.)
2. Children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the legal aspects of the divorce or separation (The very first weekend that The Ex had visitation after Husband won a temporary order for physical custody, Son came home and told me that he can't talk to us because "we'll tell the judge and then Mom will lose and he'll never see her again." Five days later, he told my sister that he "didn't know why Mom had to pay child support when Dad never paid her." Son was nine years old when these statements were made.)
3. Children show sudden negative change in their attitude toward a parent/guardian (When we first got custody of the kids, Daughter called me "Mom" for three straight weeks. She spent one weekend with The Ex, came home calling me by my first name and hasn't called me anything else for the last 5 1/2 years. Not to mention that when they were little, they'd cuddle us and laugh with us; as soon as we were around The Ex, they acted differently.)
4. Children appear uneasy around target parent - they resort to "one word" answers and fail to engage openly in conversations as they previously have done(See explanations for #1 and #3)
5. Children are uncharacteristically rude and/or belligerent to target parent (We don't experience this. Son and Daughter know better than to disrespect us, at least to our faces.)
6. Access time is not occurring as agreed upon or court ordered - visitation is being unilaterally cut back by the other parent(Before we got custody of the kids, The Ex would always have excuses as to why she was late or why Husband couldn't have the kids, but I remember one time in particular. Husband tried calling The Ex because she was almost 2 hours late and she had turned off her phone. After calling three different people, Husband finally learned that the kids had just gotten dropped off with The Ex's parents, who said they would be bringing the kids over to our house. At the end of it all, the kids were 3 hours late; this wasn't the first or the last time that The Ex pulled this with Husband's visitation.)
7. Hostile Aggressive Parent (HAP) parent undermines the other parent or speaks disparagingly about other parent in the presence of the children (All. The. Time.)
8. HAP parent starts making reference to other parent as being abusive and a risk to the children with no apparent good reason (The Ex told the GAL that Husband abuses me and the kids. The Ex told the police that Husband choked Son and pushed him up against a vehicle.)
9. Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent, even though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that choice (I can't really say she's done this, although I'm positive that this would now be a constant issue if she still had physical custody.)
10. Telling the children about why the marriage failed and giving them the details about the divorce or separation settlement (At 10 years old, Son told me that Husband and The Ex got divorced because "Daddy was dating other girls." It wasn't true but even if it was, there is no reason a child needs to hear that.)
11. Refusing the other parent access to medical and school records or schedules of extracurricular activities (I remember after I had been with Husband for a while and had really started to become a part of the kids' lives, I realized it was complete and utter crap that he never had anything from the kids' school. Husband said during the divorce, The Ex had told the school that he wasn't allowed to have any of the kids' information. I contacted the school, who actually blamed Husband for them not providing anything to him; they claimed that he should have kept his address updated with them. We sent a written request for the kids' information and included a copy of the court order giving Husband access to it. A few months later, we received a copy of registration papers; the primary contact was The Ex, the secondary contact was The Ex's mom, and the third contact was The Ex's sister. Husband's name, address, or phone number were not on any of the kids' school paperwork.)
12. Blaming the other parent for not having enough money, changes in lifestyle, or other problems in the children's presence (Every time The Ex has no money, it's our fault. I have recently started telling Husband that it's his fault that The Ex married Boyfriend and is unhappy because he wouldn't get back together with her. I honestly can imagine her saying something like that.)
13. Rigid enforcement of the visitation schedule for no good reason other than getting back at the other parent (Not really. She more often tries to change it at the last second and if Husband doesn't comply, then she tries to say he refuses to work with her.)
14. False allegations of sexual abuse, drug and alcohol use or other illegal activities by the other parent (The Ex told the police that the kids told her that they've seen us having sex and that we walk around our home naked. The Ex told the GAL that we left the kids home alone at the ages of 9, 7 and 2 so that we could go out drinking with our neighbors.)
15. Asks the children to choose one parent over the other (I'm not going to put this one in bold because I can't directly relate something to it, but I know she does this. There was one day the kids said they wanted to do something here and The Ex turned it into, "Do you want to come with me this weekend and do [activity name here] or do you want to stay with your dad?")
16. Reminding the children that the children have good reason to feel angry toward their other parent (This one I'll put in bold. The Ex has told the kids that Husband just does things to hurt her. The Ex has also told the kids that Husband lied about her in court and that's why he has custody.)
17. Setting up temptations that interfere with visitation (Back when The Ex had physical custody and we only had the kids 4 days a month, one of Daughter's friends was having a pool party on a Saturday that fell on Husband's weekend. The Ex did not call and ask to switch so that Daughter could go; The Ex had Daughter call Husband and ask him to bring her to the party in New City.)
18. Giving the children the impression that having a good time on a visit will hurt the parent (Alllll the time. As soon as the kids say they're having fun here, The Ex throws out, "I miss you! I wish you were here!" Or, she'll tell them what she's making for dinner and if the kids say they want some, she says something really sh*tty like, "If you were here, you could have some.")
19. Asking the children about the other parent's personal life (Son told me when he was younger that he "needed to tell Mom what happened here.")
20. Rescuing' the children from the other parent when there is no danger (During the divorce, The Ex tried to get Husband's visitation supervised; the court told her no. The Ex frequently told Husband he should sign off his parental rights because "the kids don't need someone like him in their lives." Yet she married an alcoholic who hits her...)
It's very sad for me to type all of these things out. I've been a part of Son and Daughter's lives for nine years; we live with this every day. I often wonder at what age the kids will begin to take the blinders off. Nobody wants to think or imagine that their parent is lying to them but unfortunately, the kids know something isn't adding up. When he was 10, Son sat and tearfully told us, "You guys tell me one thing and Mom tells me something else, and I don't know who's lying to me."
I feel like our silence is sometimes our downfall; The Ex is always running her mouth about us while we say nothing to them. After all, if you're only hearing one side of the story then what would you believe? At times, I want to throw her under the bus. I want to tell the kids why The Ex lost custody. I want to tell them that everything she's told them over the last decade is a lie. I want to draw out comparisons - The Ex is the one telling them to lie and keep secrets while we encourage honesty and openness, so how can they possibly feel that we're the ones who are being dishonest with them?
It's frustrating. So very, very frustrating. I think our one saving grace is that we have physical custody so the kids are not fed this garbage on a daily basis. Yes, they are exposed to it but they can get away from it. I say a prayer for all of the families torn apart by PAS; this is such a horrible thing and no child should ever be subjected to it.
I swear your husband's ex and my husband's ex could be twins. I feel for you, and I thank you for sharing your journey. Reading this helps me deal with our Rollercoaster, and reminds me I'm not alone.
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