Books are so helpful.

  I have previously contemplated deleting this blog, wondering if maybe it focuses too much on the negative.  But then I get an email from someone who commented, thanking me for sharing my story and reminding them that they're not alone.  And I suppose that's why I started it in the first place - I'm not the first person to suffer the wrath of my spouse's ex, nor will I be the last.  The things that I say here will never once be said to Son or Daughter; this is my space to say, "I've had enough of her insanity!" and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling.

 In the past I mentioned that I had read "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak and found it extremely insightful.  I just recently finished "Will I Ever Be Free of You? (How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family)" by Dr. Karyl McBride.  This particular book is aimed more at someone who is considering or in the process of a divorce from a narcissistic partner.  Obviously the divorce between Husband and The Ex is behind both of them(...well, behind Husband anyway), but it's nice to read these books to get a better understanding of what goes on inside of The Ex's head so that we're better able to handle her and the insanity she deals out.

  As I read "WIEBFoY" it basically told me that my fantasy of Ned causing The Ex to become more stable and calm was just that:  a fantasy.  The Ex cannot change because she doesn't see anything wrong with herself.  In her mind, all of her thoughts, words and actions are justified and rational; she truly believes that Husband is the one causing upset and turmoil.  She even believes this about Boyfriend, which is why she's finally left him and filed for divorce.  In the world that she's created for herself, everything that goes poorly is because of someone else - so why on earth would she need to change?

  That being said, the main purpose of this post was a section of the book that caused me to literally gasp at the accuracy with which it pin-pointed The Ex and her behaviors.  This particular section reads as follows:

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  What Is Projection and How Do I Deal with It?
     In traditional psychoanalysis, projection is a term used to describe a type of defense mechanism "in which intolerable feelings, impulses or thoughts are falsely attributed to other people."  We can all project our inner feelings onto others at times.  If you are tired or stressed, or out of touch with your feelings, you may attribute the source of those feelings to someone else - your kid or a coworker or boss - and blame that person for how you feel.  However, you will soon likely realize what you are doing, stop it, and recognize that you're responsible for how you feel.  Narcissists take projection to an extreme.  Let's look at some examples of how this works not only in a relationship with a narcissist, but even after the divorce is final and you are co-parenting. (FYI:  The Ex and Husband do not "co-parent" because that is an impossible task with a narcissist.  Instead, they "parallel parent" - if you haven't heard of it, please make some time to Google it.  It's really an eye-opener.)

     •   The narcissist begins to lose interest in you.  Rather than admitting his own emotions, he will say, "I don't think you like me anymore." (After ignoring them for over a week, The Ex will call Son or Daughter, complain that they never call or text her, and then repeatedly ask if they miss/love her.  If the kids want to stay here for an activity, she calls and asks them why they don't want to spend time with her.)
     •   The narcissist is thinking of infidelity.  Instead of owning her own feelings, she accuses you of cheating on her. (The Ex used to always accuse Husband of having an affair; she told him that she was going to contact the show "Cheaters" and have him followed.  Husband caught her cheating on him during their marriage.  The Ex then repeated this behavior with Boyfriend, whom she also cheated on.)
     •   The narcissist is being a bully but accuses the person he is bullying of being a bully so he can feel better about himself. (We get told by The Ex all the time what we're supposed to do, where we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to act, etc.  She then tells the kids that we're just trying to hurt her and upset her.)

     •   The narcissist is experiencing jealousy but instead accuses you of being jealous of her. (This happened a few years ago.  The Ex refused to bring Son to football practice because she claimed she didn't have any money; Husband told her he didn't want to hear that excuse when she had two vehicle payments.  The Ex replied, "Oh, are you jealous that YOU can't buy a new car?"  In the meantime, we were coming up on our one-year anniversary of home ownership while she lived in an apartment)
     •   The narcissist has done something wrong, maybe even illegal, such as spousal abuse or child abuse, but instead he makes you the villain and accuses you of the bad behavior. (The Ex literally accused us of doing everything single thing that caused her to lose custody.)
     •   The narcissist is angry at someone, but accuses that person of being angry at her. (The Ex told Daughter that Husband "wasn't too happy" about her moving.  Husband was never angry nor did he imply that he was upset about this.)
     •   The narcissist hates his job and wants to quit, but tells you that you want him to quit his job.  You are making it difficult for him to continue.  You are to blame. (The Ex accused Boyfriend of preventing her from leaving for work.)
     •   The narcissist decides she does not want to be with you for some event but projects her feelings onto you, saying, "You don't want me there, anyway!" (When I had to take Son to urgent care for stitches, The Ex asked him if he wanted her to come to the hospital and if he did, she would leave work.  Son said she could come if she wanted to.  The Ex then side-stepped the question she posed by claiming Son would be out of urgent care by the time she showed up.  Son sounded disappointed and told her never mind to which she replied, "Oh, my poor baby....oh, I wish I could come now."  She literally talked herself out of coming and then said she wished she could come.)
     •   The narcissist files one motion after another to keep your divorce case in court but projects this onto you, saying, "Look at what this divorce is costing me because you are not reasonable!" (Attorney 4 filed a contempt motion on The Ex's behalf over one night of placement.  The Ex then told the kids that Husband just tries to take all of her money to pay his lawyer.)
     •   The narcissist does not honor parenting time with the children and instead chooses to do his or her own thing, such as golfing or being with friends, but projects this onto you, saying, "You are keeping the kids from me and I don't have enough time with them!" (The Ex has always done this.  She insisted on getting custody during the divorce and would then leave the kids with her family while she went out with friends or whoever was her boyfriend at the time.  She then lost custody and I can't tell you the amount of times that Son and Daughter have spent an entire week or weekend with their grandparents without seeing The Ex a single time.  Son is now complaining that he doesn't want to go with her on the weekends because they spend the entire time at Ned's house and The Ex won't let him leave.  But if Husband won't switch weekends with her or let the kids stay, then we are told that he's selfish and trying to keep the kids away from her.)
     •   The narcissist agrees to a financial settlement, but after the divorce constantly tells the children it is your fault that he or she has no money. (All.  The.  Effing.  Time.  Son actually believed for a period of time that The Ex lived in a trailer park because that was all she could afford after paying child support.  Never mind that she had two vehicle payments that cost more than our mortgage; never mind that she has cable TV and Internet; never mind that she keeps moving further and further away costing her more in time and gas for every placement exchange - we are taking HER money and that's all we care about.)

     These are only a few examples of how projection works.  You can see why you may have been confused as the narcissist's partner if you didn't know what was going on.  Projection is a relationship killer.  Narcissists use it to feel better about themselves and to release themselves from accountability.  They continue to use projection to try to manipulate you after the divorce is final.
     As an adult you can understand what is going on when you see this happening, but children cannot.  When a narcissistic parent projects bad feelings onto a child, the child will tend to believe the parent and will internalize and accept this negative message.  This is emotionally damaging to children.

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  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I continue this blog.  She will not change, so I choose to share my experience and laugh at the absurdity of it all.  I hope that my posts relieve at least a little of the stress of having to deal with someone who will never be happy enough with themselves to allow you to live in peace.

  And quite truthfully, they're not the ones we're doing this for anyway.  I love Son and Daughter too much for me to throw up my hands and say it's not worth it.  They're worth every ounce of frustration, every tear shed, every exasperated eye roll or sigh.  Every single last fight is worth it because I get to help raise two amazing children that I am blessed enough to love and be loved in return.