Small steps are better than none.
Since Son graduated and moved into Girlfriend's parents' house, he's contacted Husband a few times. The only communication they've had that was decent was on Son's 18th birthday; Husband wished him a happy birthday, Son said thanks. Every time Son messaged Husband, it was always because he wanted something.
The first time Son reached out was to say that he needed his Social Security card and asked Husband to mail it or bring it to Son's court hearing for his disorderly conduct citation.
The second was because he wasn't able to update anything on his phone, so he accused Husband and/or I of turning on the parental controls to his Google account and demanded that we turn off something we didn't turn on.
The third was the message over Labor Day weekend, which I'm still convinced was authored by The Ex, and was when Son told Husband that Girlfriend's dad more of a dad to him than Husband is, and how happy he was now that he was with "his family." (I still can't get over the irony. "I'm so happy without you, that I'm going to contact you just to tell you that I'm happy without you.")
The fourth was two months later, asking Husband if we had sold the car and demanded to know where Son's "half" of the sale money was. (A few days later, it popped up online: the same day Son was asking about "his half" of the money, he got pulled over because he didn't stop at a stop sign. During the stop, it came out that Son didn't have insurance on his vehicle, which is mandatory in our state. Son racked up nearly $400 in tickets so suddenly, he wants the profits for a car he didn't pay for and said he didn't want almost six months prior.)
The fifth was sent the same day he asked about the car; Son was swearing and accusing Husband of ignoring him, getting angry that Husband didn't congratulate him despite us not being told anything that would warrant congratulations, and wanting to "end things" between them.
Was Husband "ignoring" him? I guess technically, yes, he was; the first two messages he replied to, but he didn't respond to the last three. This was not because Husband was trying to be a jerk or "end things" with his child. Son wasn't contacting Husband to have a relationship, and there was no point in responding to someone who is just trying to instigate a fight.
Two days after Son's last message, I was at home with the two younger kids. While I was at the back of the house, I heard someone revving their engine outside very close by. I walked through the house, looked out the window, and saw Son's truck parked in front of our neighbor's house. Son literally drove all the way down to Our City, was within feet of our house, went over to pick up his friend/our neighbors' son, and never said a word to Husband about being here. If that's his decision, that's his decision. We can't force him to have a relationship with us.
Later that night, Daughter texted me at 5:28pm, which was two minutes before she was supposed to be home. Daughter said that they were going to be late because "she" had asked to stop at Taco Bell on the way home. (So let's be honest, Daughter texted me as they were walking into Taco Bell. Also, I wondered out loud why Daughter was texting me and not Husband, or even why Daughter was texting at all; she's a child, it's not her job to communicate about transportation or placement.) We were irritated, but technically we had Daughter for half of The Ex's placement weekend because of her scrimmage, so whatever.
A few hours later, we were sitting on the couch watching a movie with Daughter when she tells us that Son just messaged her saying, "I'm in town." We said, "Okay.......is he coming over?" She told Son to come over. His response: "Dad wouldn't like that" (*long, elaborated sigh*) Daughter told him again to come over. Son said he "didn't want to start any trouble" (Ummm.....okaaay...?) Daughter told him that he wouldn't start trouble. Son said he would be outside by our neighbor's house. (Omfg....this is absurd.)
Daughter then said to us, "I don't get him. Why would you tell me you're here, and then not come over?" I said because this is what Son does for attention; it's like someone saying they have to tell you a really big secret, and you say okay, and then they say, "Never mind, I can't tell you." It's only done to pique your interest and get your attention.
After a few minutes went by, I asked Daughter if they were coming or not. She said she didn't know, and messaged Son saying that I told them to come in. Son replied, "But I have [Girlfriend] with me." Daughter said, "So?" (As in, "Why would that keep you from coming inside?")
Sooo, that's the story of what led to Son stopping by. He mentioned the baby; Husband asked what they were having, Son said a boy. Son told us about his job, what hours he's working, how much he's earning. Son asked if we thought it would be better to rent a trailer or an apartment. And then, quite surprisingly, Son asked if we thought it was "weird" that he had been thinking about going to church. We said no, and we thought it was good that he was thinking about it. Son said he didn't know how to talk to Girlfriend about it, because she had never been raised with any kind of faith or religion; she believes that God exists, but that's the extent of what she knows/believes in.
Son asked what we were doing in a few weeks and said he and Girlfriend were thinking about coming down again to visit; we said we should be home and to let us know. Son said he needed to get going since it was already 9:30pm and he had a long drive home. He gave me a hug (I KNOW.) and then he gave Husband a hug and said, "I love you, Dad." (I'm not crying, you're crying...)
Girlfriend stayed in the truck the whole time, which I thought was really weird at first but I suppose, if you'd heard all the crazy lies about Husband and me that were told to her by both Son and The Ex, you wouldn't have come inside either. Daughter went out to talk to her for a little while. Girlfriend told Daughter that she thinks Son really misses Husband; she said Son talks about Husband all the time.
Do I think our relationship with Son is entirely healed? No, I don't. But this was a big step in the right direction. I'm going to continue praying for Son and Girlfriend, and hopefully things will continue to improve from here.
The first time Son reached out was to say that he needed his Social Security card and asked Husband to mail it or bring it to Son's court hearing for his disorderly conduct citation.
The second was because he wasn't able to update anything on his phone, so he accused Husband and/or I of turning on the parental controls to his Google account and demanded that we turn off something we didn't turn on.
The third was the message over Labor Day weekend, which I'm still convinced was authored by The Ex, and was when Son told Husband that Girlfriend's dad more of a dad to him than Husband is, and how happy he was now that he was with "his family." (I still can't get over the irony. "I'm so happy without you, that I'm going to contact you just to tell you that I'm happy without you.")
The fourth was two months later, asking Husband if we had sold the car and demanded to know where Son's "half" of the sale money was. (A few days later, it popped up online: the same day Son was asking about "his half" of the money, he got pulled over because he didn't stop at a stop sign. During the stop, it came out that Son didn't have insurance on his vehicle, which is mandatory in our state. Son racked up nearly $400 in tickets so suddenly, he wants the profits for a car he didn't pay for and said he didn't want almost six months prior.)
The fifth was sent the same day he asked about the car; Son was swearing and accusing Husband of ignoring him, getting angry that Husband didn't congratulate him despite us not being told anything that would warrant congratulations, and wanting to "end things" between them.
Was Husband "ignoring" him? I guess technically, yes, he was; the first two messages he replied to, but he didn't respond to the last three. This was not because Husband was trying to be a jerk or "end things" with his child. Son wasn't contacting Husband to have a relationship, and there was no point in responding to someone who is just trying to instigate a fight.
Two days after Son's last message, I was at home with the two younger kids. While I was at the back of the house, I heard someone revving their engine outside very close by. I walked through the house, looked out the window, and saw Son's truck parked in front of our neighbor's house. Son literally drove all the way down to Our City, was within feet of our house, went over to pick up his friend/our neighbors' son, and never said a word to Husband about being here. If that's his decision, that's his decision. We can't force him to have a relationship with us.
Later that night, Daughter texted me at 5:28pm, which was two minutes before she was supposed to be home. Daughter said that they were going to be late because "she" had asked to stop at Taco Bell on the way home. (So let's be honest, Daughter texted me as they were walking into Taco Bell. Also, I wondered out loud why Daughter was texting me and not Husband, or even why Daughter was texting at all; she's a child, it's not her job to communicate about transportation or placement.) We were irritated, but technically we had Daughter for half of The Ex's placement weekend because of her scrimmage, so whatever.
A few hours later, we were sitting on the couch watching a movie with Daughter when she tells us that Son just messaged her saying, "I'm in town." We said, "Okay.......is he coming over?" She told Son to come over. His response: "Dad wouldn't like that" (*long, elaborated sigh*) Daughter told him again to come over. Son said he "didn't want to start any trouble" (Ummm.....okaaay...?) Daughter told him that he wouldn't start trouble. Son said he would be outside by our neighbor's house. (Omfg....this is absurd.)
Daughter then said to us, "I don't get him. Why would you tell me you're here, and then not come over?" I said because this is what Son does for attention; it's like someone saying they have to tell you a really big secret, and you say okay, and then they say, "Never mind, I can't tell you." It's only done to pique your interest and get your attention.
After a few minutes went by, I asked Daughter if they were coming or not. She said she didn't know, and messaged Son saying that I told them to come in. Son replied, "But I have [Girlfriend] with me." Daughter said, "So?" (As in, "Why would that keep you from coming inside?")
Sooo, that's the story of what led to Son stopping by. He mentioned the baby; Husband asked what they were having, Son said a boy. Son told us about his job, what hours he's working, how much he's earning. Son asked if we thought it would be better to rent a trailer or an apartment. And then, quite surprisingly, Son asked if we thought it was "weird" that he had been thinking about going to church. We said no, and we thought it was good that he was thinking about it. Son said he didn't know how to talk to Girlfriend about it, because she had never been raised with any kind of faith or religion; she believes that God exists, but that's the extent of what she knows/believes in.
Son asked what we were doing in a few weeks and said he and Girlfriend were thinking about coming down again to visit; we said we should be home and to let us know. Son said he needed to get going since it was already 9:30pm and he had a long drive home. He gave me a hug (I KNOW.) and then he gave Husband a hug and said, "I love you, Dad." (I'm not crying, you're crying...)
Girlfriend stayed in the truck the whole time, which I thought was really weird at first but I suppose, if you'd heard all the crazy lies about Husband and me that were told to her by both Son and The Ex, you wouldn't have come inside either. Daughter went out to talk to her for a little while. Girlfriend told Daughter that she thinks Son really misses Husband; she said Son talks about Husband all the time.
Do I think our relationship with Son is entirely healed? No, I don't. But this was a big step in the right direction. I'm going to continue praying for Son and Girlfriend, and hopefully things will continue to improve from here.
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