Okay, so here's what's going on.
This is quite possibly my longest blog post yet, so grab some popcorn and buckle up for the ride.
Ned's ex-wife is claiming that Ned and The Ex are abusing Lucifer. I found out that this complaint had been made a few weeks ago; Daughter knew about it but didn't tell us. I can't say I blame her, as I'm sure The Ex instructed/threatened her not to say anything about it.
Daughter said that Lucifer's mom allegedly found a bruise on his butt and she's saying a bunch of other stuff has happened. Daughter doesn't believe it. I don't believe Ned is abusing Lucifer, but The Ex? Well...I don't want to say that she is, but I also don't want to say that she isn't. I know how she's treated her two oldest children their entire lives, so I can't say I'd definitely rule out her putting her hands on yet another child.
Apparently, Lucifer was interviewed at school without a parent or guardian present. I heard that The Ex wanted to complain about this but didn't because she didn't want to appear that she was trying to hide something.
The social worker from our county came to our house to "interview" Daughter. I have a friend who does the same; she thought that they may want to interview Daughter alone but fortunately, the worker let us sit in. Let me just say that this woman is really good at her job; she's very pleasant, very nice to talk to, and I wish she had been the social worker
The worker asked if Daughter could remember any incidents with Lucifer at The Ex's house. Daughter said she didn't know. (It's kind of a yes-or-no question, don't you think?) The worker asked if there was something with a toothbrush; Daughter said yes, Lucifer would hide his toothbrush. Apparently, this has been a recurring issue with Lucifer. Daughter said he would hide his toothbrush in either the closet or in the dirty laundry; she said The Ex would tell him to find the toothbrush and he'd say he didn't know where it was. Daughter said that after about 5 minutes, Lucifer would "find" his toothbrush. The worker asked why Lucifer would do this; Daughter said she didn't know. The worker asked if anyone else would hide the toothbrush or if it was always Lucifer because something was mentioned that there was a possibility that The Ex's younger kids were the ones hiding the toothbrush. Daughter said she didn't think so.
The worker asked if there was any discipline or consequence for Lucifer hiding his toothbrush; Daughter said that The Ex would tell Lucifer to stand up against the wall and hold his hands up. The worker said, "Okay..." in a tone that reflected my thoughts which were, "What the hell kind of weird punishment is that?" Daughter said this was because The Ex "didn't know what other way to deal with it." I interjected and asked if Daughter witnessed this, or if this was just what The Ex had told her had happened. Daughter said no, she was there and saw it. The worker asked if she had seen this on more than one occasion; Daughter said no, she only saw it once. The worker asked how Lucifer was supposed to hold up his hands; Daughter said he had to stand with his arms stretched out at his sides. (So the kid was basically standing in the shape of a T. Or...a crucifix.) The worker asked how long he'd have to stand like this; Daughter said usually 10 minutes, but "if he turned around or anything, they'd add a minute every time." (If you think this is not that bad of a punishment, I'd like to challenge you to stand in this position for 10 straight minutes. Once you realize that you can't, imagine a 7-year-old child trying to do it.)
The worker asked if there were any other consequences for Lucifer with the toothbrush incident. Daughter said she thought that someone had suggested to The Ex that Lucifer be given some type of reward if he didn't hide his toothbrush, but she wasn't there long enough to really get into the conversation and know what was going on.
The worker asked if Ned and The Ex would get pretty upset if Lucifer hid his toothbrush; Daughter said yes because they've asked him plenty of times not to do it. The worker asked Daughter to explain what "upset" looked like. Daughter kind of danced around her answer and said she didn't really know. The worker asked if it was yelling, swearing, grabbing. Daughter's exact answer was, "No, not- I mean...I don't know. They just really like, yelled at him and told him to stand against the wall, and they talked to him. I don't know. I really don't." (So, Daughter has witnessed Lucifer being punished and she knows that Ned and The Ex get upset...but she "doesn't know" what happens when they're upset. Sounds to me like she's covering for The Ex.) The worker said she just wanted to know what Daughter had witnessed because to her, "upset" could be something different than what Daughter is saying.
The worker said really, Ned and The Ex would get mad and angry; Daughter said yeah. The worker said they'd yell at Lucifer to find his toothbrush and when he wouldn't, he'd have to stand against the wall; Daughter said yes.
The worker asked if Daughter had ever seen anybody spank, hit, or push Lucifer; Daughter said no. The worker asked if there was any physical discipline, grabbing his arm or hair, or anything like that. Daughter said no. The worker asked if that included The Ex, Ned, or anybody else in the house; Daughter said she had never seen that. The worker asked aside from the toothbrush incident, if there was any other time when Lucifer was around. Daughter said she's "really not around enough" and said if she was there, she was usually in her room or at her grandparents'.
The worker then explained that it was her job to make sure that kids are safe; she asked if Daughter felt safe at The Ex's house and if she felt all of the kids were safe. Daughter said yes. The worker asked Daughter to explain what "safe" meant to her. Daughter said they have double-lock doors, one of the doors has a PIN code you enter to unlock it. (Bless her heart, I honestly don't think she understood what was being asked of her.) The worker asked if everyone got to eat food. Daughter said yes, they usually ate when she was there. Then Daughter brought up again that she was usually at her grandparents'. Daughter said she would feed the kids; she said Ned would get home and make dinner, so they were all fed in the house.
The worker asked about being hit or hurt; she asked if anyone had ever hit or hurt or harmed anyone. Daughter said no. The worker asked for clarification as to how many kids were in the home, as well as their ages and genders. The worker asked what was a regular discipline or consequence for all of the kids. Daughter said they didn't typically get into trouble. (So four kids in a household, only one of whom was not mothered by The Ex and her narcissism, and he's the only one who's naughty? Bullshit.) The worker asked what Daughter thought The Ex or Ned did if she did something wrong. Daughter said she's never really been around to see somebody get in trouble. (She's there every other weekend. She's there on holidays. She's there for the majority of the summer. But she's never seen anybody get in trouble with The Ex, with the exception of Lucifer? Uh, no.) The worker asked what Daughter thought they would do; Daughter didn't say anything. The worker asked if she had a cell phone; Daughter said yeah, she'd probably get her phone taken away or not be allowed to go over to her grandparents'. The worker asked what kinds of consequences there were for the little kids if they didn't listen or things like that. Daughter replied, "No clue." (You can't tell me that Daughter doesn't know how her own mother acts towards her kids or treats them. The issue is that Daughter knows how f*cked up it is, but she doesn't want The Ex getting in trouble. I feel bad for Daughter, I really do.) The worker said obviously, one punishment is standing against the wall. Daughter said, "Yeah. I've never...uhhhhh...yeah! No clue." (It was glaringly obvious that Daughter was about to say something, realized it wasn't going to sound good for The Ex and/or Ned, and stopped herself before it came out.) The worker asked if the standing-against-the-wall was the only consequence Daughter had seen; Daughter said yes.
The worker asked if other things were ever talked about such as getting grounded, having things taken away, or getting spanked. Daughter kind of laughed and said, "I don't know." (....seriously, it's either yes, they talked about it or no, they did not talk about it. She's definitely covering something up.)
The worker asked what were rules that The Ex had for her when she went over. Daughter couldn't think of any. The worker said Daughter mentioned certain things; Daughter said she'd do the dishes, she'll do her own laundry and some chores. The worker asked if there were rules for the younger kids; Daughter said, "Pick up after themselves? I don't know," and laughed again. The worker said she knew it was hard to answer because Daughter wasn't there all the time; Daughter added that the kids had to make sure they did their homework and clean out their folders. The worker asked if Daughter kind of did her own thing when she was there; Daughter said she's usually there on the weekends, and that one or both of her siblings would be at their friends' houses.
The worker reconfirmed that Daughter wasn't sure what type of discipline was used in the house, but she did know that one of them was standing against the wall; Daughter said yes. The worker repeated that Daughter hadn't ever seen anyone spanked or hit or pushed, or anything physical when the kids aren't listening; Daughter said no. The worker asked if Daughter had heard any threats of hurting or spanking; she said some parents threaten to spank but don't do it. Daughter said, "Okay, yeah. I mean, I guess. But I've never seen it happen." The worker said that's kind of a common thing and reconfirmed that Daughter had heard a threat but never seen it; Daughter said yes and she's gotten a threat herself and laughed. The worker asked if Daughter had any concern for herself when she was at The Ex & Ned's; Daughter said no. I joked that Daughter was honestly probably bigger than Ned, so that wasn't really a concern.
The worker asked if Daughter had any concerns about the younger kids; Daughter said no. The worker asked if Daughter got along with the younger kids; Daughter said yes. The worker asked if Ned's son got along with Daughter's siblings; Daughter said for the most part, yes.
The worker asked if there was ever any domestic violence between The Ex and Ned, and how they acted when they fought. Daughter said, "They don't talk to each other. Literally. I mean, I'd say [Ned's] the more childish one." Daughter then brought up this incident and told the worker about it. The worker said, "It's funny that a kid (Daughter) can say, 'That's childish.'" The worker reiterated that when The Ex and Ned fought, it was childish behavior but not violent. Daughter said no and said that Ned will complain to The Ex's parents; she said if they want to solve their problems, they needed to talk to each other. The worker asked if Daughter ever had feelings of being unsafe around the two of them; Daughter said no.
The worker asked again if Daughter had ever seen Lucifer spanked because part of the report read that Lucifer said he was spanked over the toothbrush incident; Daughter said she'd never seen that. The worker reiterated that it was Lucifer hiding his own toothbrush, not one of the other kids. Daughter said that Ned had suspected it was The Ex's daughter hiding the toothbrush; Daughter didn't think it was and said she had asked her sister herself if she had done it. (Coincidentally, Daughter said that her sister was in the bathroom right before the toothbrush went missing. But they don't "think" she did it, so they'll make Lucifer stand with his arms out for 10 minutes to punish him for something they can't prove.) The worker asked if Daughter thought her youngest brother was hiding the toothbrush; Daughter said no.
The worker asked when the kids misbehave, who is the one who normally gives out the discipline - The Ex, Ned, or both, or whoever was home? Daughter said it's whoever is home. She started to say again that she's not really there. I brought up that previously, Daughter had said that Ned didn't really discipline Lucifer at all. Daughter said when she first met Ned, he didn't discipline whatsoever; she gave an example of him being very passive and speaking softly if Lucifer did something. Daughter said Ned has gotten better and uses a more firm voice, but said again that she's "not really there when the kids misbehave." I said it was kind of hard when she was there for 48 hours and then came back home; Daughter said, "Not even! 'Cause I'll be at Grandma's for a day and a half."
Both of Husband's and my youngest kids walked into the house during this; the worker commented to Daughter that she's a big sister to quite a lot of people. We joked about how Son and Daughter would fight and then be best friends two minutes later.
The worker asked about "new rules" at The Ex & Ned's house; she asked if there was some kind of long, spoon-looking thing with a wooden handle that was Ned would "smash" Lucifer's hand with. Daughter said she'd never seen that happen and she'd never seen "a long wooden thing." I said it might just be a regular spoon. The worker said she was guessing that's what it was and asked if Daughter had ever seen or heard a threat of this; Daughter said no. (Daughter literally just told me 4 months ago that The Ex used to spank her with a wooden spoon.)
The worker asked if Lucifer was typically well-behaved. Daughter didn't say anything and looked at me. I told her to be honest. Daughter said when she first moved in, Lucifer didn't really behave well; she said he used to throw toys and said he'd thrown them at her youngest brother. Daughter asked how long ago that had been; I said probably about 3 to 3 1/2 years ago. Daughter said again that Lucifer didn't behave back then and that he was very naughty, and that he still kind of was. Daughter brought up that she had told me Lucifer recently got suspended from school; I said the story didn't really make sense but for all I knew it had gotten changed or things were left out by the time it was told from Lucifer to whoever to Daughter to me, kind of like a game of Telephone.
The worker then asked about a second rule for Lucifer that he had to take his TV tray and sit in front of the fireplace to eat dinner and once he was finished, he had to stand with his hands by his side and not do anything else. Daughter said she hadn't seen his hands by his side but he doesn't face the TV when he's sitting down. The worker asked if that was a rule just because Lucifer had to finish his dinner; Daughter said she thought so because if he watched TV, he would take 1 1/2 to 2 hours just to finish his food. (I know the general layout of Ned's house. The TV is in the corner next to the fireplace. Sitting Lucifer in front of the fireplace isn't going to block his view of the TV, so why is he being forced to sit there?)
The worker clarified that Lucifer sat with his back to the TV but that Daughter hadn't seen him stand with his hands at his sides; Daughter said that was correct. The worker asked if this was a rule for all of the kids or just for Lucifer. Daughter said they usually didn't have the TV on. (....if the TV isn't on, why does Lucifer have to sit with his back to it?) Daughter said sometimes they'd have the TV on but the kids normally ate their dinner and usually sat at the counter which wasn't facing the TV. (This is correct; the counter is facing the kitchen and away from the TV. So that begs the question: why are The Ex's kids sitting at a counter, yet Lucifer has to sit in front of the fireplace?)
The worker said that Daughter may not have known about it, but asked if there were times that Lucifer wasn't using a booster seat in the car. Daughter said Lucifer was always in a booster seat. (Our state requires it up to a certain age or weight limit. When Daughter was about 5-6 years old, she used to tell us that The Ex and her parents would forget to give her seat back to the other person who was driving and that she frequently rode without it. But Lucifer "always" uses his.)
The worker asked if Lucifer took medication on a regular basis. Daughter said yes but she wasn't sure what they were; she said she believed one was allergy medication but didn't know what the rest were. The worker asked if Lucifer got his medication regularly; Daughter said yes, he took some in the morning and some at night. Daughter said she sometimes gave Lucifer the medication but said he was really good about doing it himself. (Personally, I don't know how to feel about a 7-year-old administering his own medicine. Are they putting out a daily dose and he takes it, or is he opening his own bottles and taking pills on his own?) The worker asked if Daughter had heard of any issues with the medication or with Lucifer getting his medication; Daughter said no.
The worker asked about a specific incident and asked if Daughter was there for it. Allegedly, Lucifer had gotten into trouble at school and his punishment was that he had to go out to the yard and pick up dog poop. Daughter said she had heard about it but she wasn't there to witness it. The worker asked what Daughter had heard. Daughter got confused and asked the worker to repeat the question. The worker said that Lucifer had to pick up dog poop after school because he had gotten in trouble and while he was doing this, he had to go to the bathroom; allegedly, Ned would not let Lucifer into the house so he had an accident. The worker asked if that was what Daughter had heard; Daughter kind of hemmed and hawwed, she wasn't really giving an answer. The worker asked if Daughter had heard something else. Daughter said she was "pretty sure" that was what she had heard. The worker asked who she had heard it from; Daughter said she didn't remember if it was from The Ex or Ned but she knew it was one of them. Daughter said she didn't know if it was Ned "not letting" Lucifer use the bathroom, she just knew that Lucifer had an accident. The worker asked if the kids were frequently not allowed to use the bathroom; Daughter said no, they were usually allowed to use it. Daughter said she didn't know why Ned wouldn't let Lucifer inside, if that's what he actually did.
The worker wrapped up her interview and told Daughter, "It seems like you've got good, supportive family here so you can tell them if you've got concerns." The worker asked if Daughter and The Ex got along good; Daughter was honest and said, "Sometimes." Then Daughter made a joke, we all laughed. Then Daughter said she usually comes home and complains to us about everything. Like, she actually verbalized this...to a social worker...who's currently assisting an investigation into The Ex & Ned's home. Anyway...
At this point, I'm torn about what's the "right" thing to do. Do we allow them to finish investigating and hope that the outcome is fair and just? Or, do we contact the social worker and give them specific examples of the terrible human being that The Ex is and let the dice roll from there? The worker from our county said that The Ex can request a copy of the report; if our names are anywhere in it, I'm positive she'd burn our house down with us inside of it.
What do you guys think?
Ned's ex-wife is claiming that Ned and The Ex are abusing Lucifer. I found out that this complaint had been made a few weeks ago; Daughter knew about it but didn't tell us. I can't say I blame her, as I'm sure The Ex instructed/threatened her not to say anything about it.
Daughter said that Lucifer's mom allegedly found a bruise on his butt and she's saying a bunch of other stuff has happened. Daughter doesn't believe it. I don't believe Ned is abusing Lucifer, but The Ex? Well...I don't want to say that she is, but I also don't want to say that she isn't. I know how she's treated her two oldest children their entire lives, so I can't say I'd definitely rule out her putting her hands on yet another child.
Apparently, Lucifer was interviewed at school without a parent or guardian present. I heard that The Ex wanted to complain about this but didn't because she didn't want to appear that she was trying to hide something.
The social worker from our county came to our house to "interview" Daughter. I have a friend who does the same; she thought that they may want to interview Daughter alone but fortunately, the worker let us sit in. Let me just say that this woman is really good at her job; she's very pleasant, very nice to talk to, and I wish she had been the social worker
The worker asked if Daughter could remember any incidents with Lucifer at The Ex's house. Daughter said she didn't know. (It's kind of a yes-or-no question, don't you think?) The worker asked if there was something with a toothbrush; Daughter said yes, Lucifer would hide his toothbrush. Apparently, this has been a recurring issue with Lucifer. Daughter said he would hide his toothbrush in either the closet or in the dirty laundry; she said The Ex would tell him to find the toothbrush and he'd say he didn't know where it was. Daughter said that after about 5 minutes, Lucifer would "find" his toothbrush. The worker asked why Lucifer would do this; Daughter said she didn't know. The worker asked if anyone else would hide the toothbrush or if it was always Lucifer because something was mentioned that there was a possibility that The Ex's younger kids were the ones hiding the toothbrush. Daughter said she didn't think so.
The worker asked if there was any discipline or consequence for Lucifer hiding his toothbrush; Daughter said that The Ex would tell Lucifer to stand up against the wall and hold his hands up. The worker said, "Okay..." in a tone that reflected my thoughts which were, "What the hell kind of weird punishment is that?" Daughter said this was because The Ex "didn't know what other way to deal with it." I interjected and asked if Daughter witnessed this, or if this was just what The Ex had told her had happened. Daughter said no, she was there and saw it. The worker asked if she had seen this on more than one occasion; Daughter said no, she only saw it once. The worker asked how Lucifer was supposed to hold up his hands; Daughter said he had to stand with his arms stretched out at his sides. (So the kid was basically standing in the shape of a T. Or...a crucifix.) The worker asked how long he'd have to stand like this; Daughter said usually 10 minutes, but "if he turned around or anything, they'd add a minute every time." (If you think this is not that bad of a punishment, I'd like to challenge you to stand in this position for 10 straight minutes. Once you realize that you can't, imagine a 7-year-old child trying to do it.)
The worker asked if there were any other consequences for Lucifer with the toothbrush incident. Daughter said she thought that someone had suggested to The Ex that Lucifer be given some type of reward if he didn't hide his toothbrush, but she wasn't there long enough to really get into the conversation and know what was going on.
The worker asked if Ned and The Ex would get pretty upset if Lucifer hid his toothbrush; Daughter said yes because they've asked him plenty of times not to do it. The worker asked Daughter to explain what "upset" looked like. Daughter kind of danced around her answer and said she didn't really know. The worker asked if it was yelling, swearing, grabbing. Daughter's exact answer was, "No, not- I mean...I don't know. They just really like, yelled at him and told him to stand against the wall, and they talked to him. I don't know. I really don't." (So, Daughter has witnessed Lucifer being punished and she knows that Ned and The Ex get upset...but she "doesn't know" what happens when they're upset. Sounds to me like she's covering for The Ex.) The worker said she just wanted to know what Daughter had witnessed because to her, "upset" could be something different than what Daughter is saying.
The worker said really, Ned and The Ex would get mad and angry; Daughter said yeah. The worker said they'd yell at Lucifer to find his toothbrush and when he wouldn't, he'd have to stand against the wall; Daughter said yes.
The worker asked if Daughter had ever seen anybody spank, hit, or push Lucifer; Daughter said no. The worker asked if there was any physical discipline, grabbing his arm or hair, or anything like that. Daughter said no. The worker asked if that included The Ex, Ned, or anybody else in the house; Daughter said she had never seen that. The worker asked aside from the toothbrush incident, if there was any other time when Lucifer was around. Daughter said she's "really not around enough" and said if she was there, she was usually in her room or at her grandparents'.
The worker then explained that it was her job to make sure that kids are safe; she asked if Daughter felt safe at The Ex's house and if she felt all of the kids were safe. Daughter said yes. The worker asked Daughter to explain what "safe" meant to her. Daughter said they have double-lock doors, one of the doors has a PIN code you enter to unlock it. (Bless her heart, I honestly don't think she understood what was being asked of her.) The worker asked if everyone got to eat food. Daughter said yes, they usually ate when she was there. Then Daughter brought up again that she was usually at her grandparents'. Daughter said she would feed the kids; she said Ned would get home and make dinner, so they were all fed in the house.
The worker asked about being hit or hurt; she asked if anyone had ever hit or hurt or harmed anyone. Daughter said no. The worker asked for clarification as to how many kids were in the home, as well as their ages and genders. The worker asked what was a regular discipline or consequence for all of the kids. Daughter said they didn't typically get into trouble. (So four kids in a household, only one of whom was not mothered by The Ex and her narcissism, and he's the only one who's naughty? Bullshit.) The worker asked what Daughter thought The Ex or Ned did if she did something wrong. Daughter said she's never really been around to see somebody get in trouble. (She's there every other weekend. She's there on holidays. She's there for the majority of the summer. But she's never seen anybody get in trouble with The Ex, with the exception of Lucifer? Uh, no.) The worker asked what Daughter thought they would do; Daughter didn't say anything. The worker asked if she had a cell phone; Daughter said yeah, she'd probably get her phone taken away or not be allowed to go over to her grandparents'. The worker asked what kinds of consequences there were for the little kids if they didn't listen or things like that. Daughter replied, "No clue." (You can't tell me that Daughter doesn't know how her own mother acts towards her kids or treats them. The issue is that Daughter knows how f*cked up it is, but she doesn't want The Ex getting in trouble. I feel bad for Daughter, I really do.) The worker said obviously, one punishment is standing against the wall. Daughter said, "Yeah. I've never...uhhhhh...yeah! No clue." (It was glaringly obvious that Daughter was about to say something, realized it wasn't going to sound good for The Ex and/or Ned, and stopped herself before it came out.) The worker asked if the standing-against-the-wall was the only consequence Daughter had seen; Daughter said yes.
The worker asked if other things were ever talked about such as getting grounded, having things taken away, or getting spanked. Daughter kind of laughed and said, "I don't know." (....seriously, it's either yes, they talked about it or no, they did not talk about it. She's definitely covering something up.)
The worker asked what were rules that The Ex had for her when she went over. Daughter couldn't think of any. The worker said Daughter mentioned certain things; Daughter said she'd do the dishes, she'll do her own laundry and some chores. The worker asked if there were rules for the younger kids; Daughter said, "Pick up after themselves? I don't know," and laughed again. The worker said she knew it was hard to answer because Daughter wasn't there all the time; Daughter added that the kids had to make sure they did their homework and clean out their folders. The worker asked if Daughter kind of did her own thing when she was there; Daughter said she's usually there on the weekends, and that one or both of her siblings would be at their friends' houses.
The worker reconfirmed that Daughter wasn't sure what type of discipline was used in the house, but she did know that one of them was standing against the wall; Daughter said yes. The worker repeated that Daughter hadn't ever seen anyone spanked or hit or pushed, or anything physical when the kids aren't listening; Daughter said no. The worker asked if Daughter had heard any threats of hurting or spanking; she said some parents threaten to spank but don't do it. Daughter said, "Okay, yeah. I mean, I guess. But I've never seen it happen." The worker said that's kind of a common thing and reconfirmed that Daughter had heard a threat but never seen it; Daughter said yes and she's gotten a threat herself and laughed. The worker asked if Daughter had any concern for herself when she was at The Ex & Ned's; Daughter said no. I joked that Daughter was honestly probably bigger than Ned, so that wasn't really a concern.
The worker asked if Daughter had any concerns about the younger kids; Daughter said no. The worker asked if Daughter got along with the younger kids; Daughter said yes. The worker asked if Ned's son got along with Daughter's siblings; Daughter said for the most part, yes.
The worker asked if there was ever any domestic violence between The Ex and Ned, and how they acted when they fought. Daughter said, "They don't talk to each other. Literally. I mean, I'd say [Ned's] the more childish one." Daughter then brought up this incident and told the worker about it. The worker said, "It's funny that a kid (Daughter) can say, 'That's childish.'" The worker reiterated that when The Ex and Ned fought, it was childish behavior but not violent. Daughter said no and said that Ned will complain to The Ex's parents; she said if they want to solve their problems, they needed to talk to each other. The worker asked if Daughter ever had feelings of being unsafe around the two of them; Daughter said no.
The worker asked again if Daughter had ever seen Lucifer spanked because part of the report read that Lucifer said he was spanked over the toothbrush incident; Daughter said she'd never seen that. The worker reiterated that it was Lucifer hiding his own toothbrush, not one of the other kids. Daughter said that Ned had suspected it was The Ex's daughter hiding the toothbrush; Daughter didn't think it was and said she had asked her sister herself if she had done it. (Coincidentally, Daughter said that her sister was in the bathroom right before the toothbrush went missing. But they don't "think" she did it, so they'll make Lucifer stand with his arms out for 10 minutes to punish him for something they can't prove.) The worker asked if Daughter thought her youngest brother was hiding the toothbrush; Daughter said no.
The worker asked when the kids misbehave, who is the one who normally gives out the discipline - The Ex, Ned, or both, or whoever was home? Daughter said it's whoever is home. She started to say again that she's not really there. I brought up that previously, Daughter had said that Ned didn't really discipline Lucifer at all. Daughter said when she first met Ned, he didn't discipline whatsoever; she gave an example of him being very passive and speaking softly if Lucifer did something. Daughter said Ned has gotten better and uses a more firm voice, but said again that she's "not really there when the kids misbehave." I said it was kind of hard when she was there for 48 hours and then came back home; Daughter said, "Not even! 'Cause I'll be at Grandma's for a day and a half."
Both of Husband's and my youngest kids walked into the house during this; the worker commented to Daughter that she's a big sister to quite a lot of people. We joked about how Son and Daughter would fight and then be best friends two minutes later.
The worker asked about "new rules" at The Ex & Ned's house; she asked if there was some kind of long, spoon-looking thing with a wooden handle that was Ned would "smash" Lucifer's hand with. Daughter said she'd never seen that happen and she'd never seen "a long wooden thing." I said it might just be a regular spoon. The worker said she was guessing that's what it was and asked if Daughter had ever seen or heard a threat of this; Daughter said no. (Daughter literally just told me 4 months ago that The Ex used to spank her with a wooden spoon.)
The worker asked if Lucifer was typically well-behaved. Daughter didn't say anything and looked at me. I told her to be honest. Daughter said when she first moved in, Lucifer didn't really behave well; she said he used to throw toys and said he'd thrown them at her youngest brother. Daughter asked how long ago that had been; I said probably about 3 to 3 1/2 years ago. Daughter said again that Lucifer didn't behave back then and that he was very naughty, and that he still kind of was. Daughter brought up that she had told me Lucifer recently got suspended from school; I said the story didn't really make sense but for all I knew it had gotten changed or things were left out by the time it was told from Lucifer to whoever to Daughter to me, kind of like a game of Telephone.
The worker then asked about a second rule for Lucifer that he had to take his TV tray and sit in front of the fireplace to eat dinner and once he was finished, he had to stand with his hands by his side and not do anything else. Daughter said she hadn't seen his hands by his side but he doesn't face the TV when he's sitting down. The worker asked if that was a rule just because Lucifer had to finish his dinner; Daughter said she thought so because if he watched TV, he would take 1 1/2 to 2 hours just to finish his food. (I know the general layout of Ned's house. The TV is in the corner next to the fireplace. Sitting Lucifer in front of the fireplace isn't going to block his view of the TV, so why is he being forced to sit there?)
The worker clarified that Lucifer sat with his back to the TV but that Daughter hadn't seen him stand with his hands at his sides; Daughter said that was correct. The worker asked if this was a rule for all of the kids or just for Lucifer. Daughter said they usually didn't have the TV on. (....if the TV isn't on, why does Lucifer have to sit with his back to it?) Daughter said sometimes they'd have the TV on but the kids normally ate their dinner and usually sat at the counter which wasn't facing the TV. (This is correct; the counter is facing the kitchen and away from the TV. So that begs the question: why are The Ex's kids sitting at a counter, yet Lucifer has to sit in front of the fireplace?)
The worker said that Daughter may not have known about it, but asked if there were times that Lucifer wasn't using a booster seat in the car. Daughter said Lucifer was always in a booster seat. (Our state requires it up to a certain age or weight limit. When Daughter was about 5-6 years old, she used to tell us that The Ex and her parents would forget to give her seat back to the other person who was driving and that she frequently rode without it. But Lucifer "always" uses his.)
The worker asked if Lucifer took medication on a regular basis. Daughter said yes but she wasn't sure what they were; she said she believed one was allergy medication but didn't know what the rest were. The worker asked if Lucifer got his medication regularly; Daughter said yes, he took some in the morning and some at night. Daughter said she sometimes gave Lucifer the medication but said he was really good about doing it himself. (Personally, I don't know how to feel about a 7-year-old administering his own medicine. Are they putting out a daily dose and he takes it, or is he opening his own bottles and taking pills on his own?) The worker asked if Daughter had heard of any issues with the medication or with Lucifer getting his medication; Daughter said no.
The worker asked about a specific incident and asked if Daughter was there for it. Allegedly, Lucifer had gotten into trouble at school and his punishment was that he had to go out to the yard and pick up dog poop. Daughter said she had heard about it but she wasn't there to witness it. The worker asked what Daughter had heard. Daughter got confused and asked the worker to repeat the question. The worker said that Lucifer had to pick up dog poop after school because he had gotten in trouble and while he was doing this, he had to go to the bathroom; allegedly, Ned would not let Lucifer into the house so he had an accident. The worker asked if that was what Daughter had heard; Daughter kind of hemmed and hawwed, she wasn't really giving an answer. The worker asked if Daughter had heard something else. Daughter said she was "pretty sure" that was what she had heard. The worker asked who she had heard it from; Daughter said she didn't remember if it was from The Ex or Ned but she knew it was one of them. Daughter said she didn't know if it was Ned "not letting" Lucifer use the bathroom, she just knew that Lucifer had an accident. The worker asked if the kids were frequently not allowed to use the bathroom; Daughter said no, they were usually allowed to use it. Daughter said she didn't know why Ned wouldn't let Lucifer inside, if that's what he actually did.
The worker wrapped up her interview and told Daughter, "It seems like you've got good, supportive family here so you can tell them if you've got concerns." The worker asked if Daughter and The Ex got along good; Daughter was honest and said, "Sometimes." Then Daughter made a joke, we all laughed. Then Daughter said she usually comes home and complains to us about everything. Like, she actually verbalized this...to a social worker...who's currently assisting an investigation into The Ex & Ned's home. Anyway...
At this point, I'm torn about what's the "right" thing to do. Do we allow them to finish investigating and hope that the outcome is fair and just? Or, do we contact the social worker and give them specific examples of the terrible human being that The Ex is and let the dice roll from there? The worker from our county said that The Ex can request a copy of the report; if our names are anywhere in it, I'm positive she'd burn our house down with us inside of it.
What do you guys think?
If I were you, I'd stay out of it. The social worker is trained. She knew that Daughter wasn't giving full answers and knew she was protecting The Ex. I would only contact the social worker if Daughter gives any information regarding any of the incidences she was questioned about.
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