Calendars are confusing
The summer schedule was set in 2010 and is easiest explained as The Ex having primary placement of the kids, Husband gets alternating weekends, and Husband also receives two nonconsecutive full weeks; Husband is required to let The Ex know which two summer weeks he would like by May 1st. Here's a breakdown of what we had to go through the first time around:
The First Summer
During a placement exchange, Husband tried tell The Ex which two weeks he would like in the summer. The Ex immediately interrupted him and stated, "No, I'm not switching. You never work with me; I'm not helping you out." Husband said they weren't switching weekends; he got two weeks and he was trying to let her know which weeks he'd like. As a precaution, Husband sent her a follow-up text message; she didn't reply to the text, so we mailed out a physical letter to both The Ex and the court indicating which two weeks Husband would like to have.
The Ex received the letter on May 4th and immediately called saying that the letter "didn't mean anything" because Husband had not let her know by May 1st. Husband said he talked to her about it the past Friday evening; The Ex argued that he had only told her about the first week and not the second week. (Completely ignoring the fact that if she had shut up for once in her life instead of starting an argument, he would have been able to finish his statement.) Husband said he also told her by text. The Ex said Husband was going to have to show her his phone and "prove" that he told her by May 1st.
Then July 4th got brought up. The Ex thought Husband was supposed to return the kids to her on July 3rd; Husband had to explain that this was his year for the holiday so the kids wouldn't be getting dropped off until later. The Ex argued that we had the kids the previous year; Husband told her no, we did not. The Ex said, "You're gonna have to prove it to me. (This is such a completely asinine statement. It was already in the court order, not to mention that there's not really a way to "prove" how you did or did not have custody on a particular day almost a year prior.)" The Ex then said this was the "same thing" Husband had done over Christmas break. (What, followed the court order? How dare he. Also, Christmas has nothing to do with July 4th; please stop talking.) Husband told her that he didn't have the kids on July 4th last year and even if he did, the court order now gave him July 4th of this year. The Ex argued that would count as his second summer week and he would not get the second week he had requested. Husband explained that July 4th was a holiday week so no, it did not count as a summer week.
Because of the nightmare of a time that we'd had the previous year, I felt it would be easier to type up and print out monthly calendars for the summer so that everyone would be on the same page about placement. I don't think there was a single argument about placement that summer. The year after, there was a lot of arguing about the kids' baseball schedules but not particularly about placement. Last year, I typed up more summer calendars and I don't think there was a single argument about placement.
My reason for explaining all of this to you is that in the past, it has appeared that The Ex is not so confused when she is given a calendar explaining when she gets her own children, so there is less of a reason for her to start any arguments. Now that we're using 2houses, we don't have to print off calendars and make copies because there's a calendar right on the website.
The 2houses calendar is very easy to understand. Each parent is given a color, each child is given a color; no two people in the family have the same color. The days are color coded to each parent; if you have more than one child, it shows where each child is on which day. You even have the option to input a certain number of hours.
With all of that explained, Husband updated the calendar last Monday to reflect both Son and Daughter's spring break periods. This year is The Ex's year to have the kids on their breaks; Husband updated the calendar accordingly.
Sunday night, Husband picked up the kids at 5:30pm. The Ex tried calling both Son and Daughter around 6pm; they were either sleeping or not paying attention so they missed the calls. The Ex then left Husband a message:
"Hey [Husband], it's [The Ex]. I'm trying to call you; you're not answering. (Why does she have to state the most obvious things in the world? Of course she's trying to call him; that's why she's on the phone. And of course he's not answering; she wouldn't be leaving a message if he answered. How can one person be this stupid?) I called the kids too, so I can try and talk to you, and they're not answering. (Oh, good. I'm glad we pay for the kids' cell phones so that The Ex can try to call Husband on them. I mean, it's not like Husband has his own phone that she can call and leave him a message to let him know that he's not answering.) I...when you get home, can you please get your calendar out? Or the kids's schedule? (I hate myself for it but she said "kids's" and that is the only reason I wrote it like that.) For their days off and all that? 'Cause I was...I'm trying to figure out, and I wanna make sure I have this right. (Husband already put all of this info into the 2houses calendar. What exactly do you have that you're trying to "figure out"?) Um, for when I pick up and drop off. And you are pick up, or whatever. When you pick up. ("You are pick up." That just left her mouth.) So can you call me back? (No.) Um, if you can call me back at like, 8 o'clock tonight to make sure I'm home 'cause I'm gonna go grocery shopping here, right now? (If you want to talk to him at 8 o'clock, then why didn't you call him at that time? Why are you calling three different cell phones trying to get a hold of him?) Um....or, text me when it's good for you. It don't matter. I just- I want a verbal of...(You want a verbal what? "Verbal" is not a noun; it is an adjective used to describe something else. What are you asking for?) 'This is right and this is wrong,' or...you know. I don't know. I just wanna make sure I have it right, 'cause I don't wanna not pick them up when I'm supposed to. (Then read the calendar.) Um, or pick them up too early. (Then. Read. The. Calendar.) You know? It's a waste of a trip that way. (It's not a waste of a trip if you come here on the day that you're supposed to. Do you know how to figure out which day that would be? Read the damn calendar.) So, please....call me or answer your phone." (No and no. You've already been provided all the information that you need. There is literally nothing to discuss at this point.)
After leaving this message, The Ex then used Boyfriend's phone to call Son. Son answered, told Husband that The Ex wanted to talk to him about spring break. Husband told Son to tell The Ex that he did not have the calendar in front of him and he was not able to tell her anything. (Yeah, he's freaking operating a motor vehicle right now with your children inside of it. But no, you need to talk to him right now about a schedule that's already been provided to you.)
I've recently learned there's a name for this behavior. It's called "holding on with hate." I'll blog about it next time :)
The First Summer
During a placement exchange, Husband tried tell The Ex which two weeks he would like in the summer. The Ex immediately interrupted him and stated, "No, I'm not switching. You never work with me; I'm not helping you out." Husband said they weren't switching weekends; he got two weeks and he was trying to let her know which weeks he'd like. As a precaution, Husband sent her a follow-up text message; she didn't reply to the text, so we mailed out a physical letter to both The Ex and the court indicating which two weeks Husband would like to have.
The Ex received the letter on May 4th and immediately called saying that the letter "didn't mean anything" because Husband had not let her know by May 1st. Husband said he talked to her about it the past Friday evening; The Ex argued that he had only told her about the first week and not the second week. (Completely ignoring the fact that if she had shut up for once in her life instead of starting an argument, he would have been able to finish his statement.) Husband said he also told her by text. The Ex said Husband was going to have to show her his phone and "prove" that he told her by May 1st.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Three weeks later, The Ex was fighting again over the weekends. She was arguing that the kids would come back to her on June 10th, not June 13th; Husband again had to explain what the order said about switching weekends for summer/holiday weeks. The Ex claimed that his letter "told her otherwise." (I still have a copy of the letter. It very clearly outlined where the kids would be and on which dates; The Ex was just interpreting the schedule however she wanted to and then trying to demand we go along with it.)Then July 4th got brought up. The Ex thought Husband was supposed to return the kids to her on July 3rd; Husband had to explain that this was his year for the holiday so the kids wouldn't be getting dropped off until later. The Ex argued that we had the kids the previous year; Husband told her no, we did not. The Ex said, "You're gonna have to prove it to me. (This is such a completely asinine statement. It was already in the court order, not to mention that there's not really a way to "prove" how you did or did not have custody on a particular day almost a year prior.)" The Ex then said this was the "same thing" Husband had done over Christmas break. (What, followed the court order? How dare he. Also, Christmas has nothing to do with July 4th; please stop talking.) Husband told her that he didn't have the kids on July 4th last year and even if he did, the court order now gave him July 4th of this year. The Ex argued that would count as his second summer week and he would not get the second week he had requested. Husband explained that July 4th was a holiday week so no, it did not count as a summer week.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A month later, July 4th again became the topic of discussion. The Ex told Husband that if he kept the kids on her weekend, she was keeping them for the next two weekends in a row. (This used to be a favorite tactic of hers when she had custody of the kids. If Husband didn't do exactly what she wanted, then she demanded a schedule change on her terms; it was typically announced to Husband that he would not be allowed to have the kids on his court-ordered days. Unfortunately, she lobbed the ball out of her court about two years before this so she was not in control anymore and was not in a position to demand that Husband do what she wanted.) Husband told her no, she was not keeping the kids on his weekend. The Ex argued that Husband was required to switch weekends with her. For what felt like the millionth time that year, Husband had to explain to The Ex what the court order said and what it meant.Because of the nightmare of a time that we'd had the previous year, I felt it would be easier to type up and print out monthly calendars for the summer so that everyone would be on the same page about placement. I don't think there was a single argument about placement that summer. The year after, there was a lot of arguing about the kids' baseball schedules but not particularly about placement. Last year, I typed up more summer calendars and I don't think there was a single argument about placement.
My reason for explaining all of this to you is that in the past, it has appeared that The Ex is not so confused when she is given a calendar explaining when she gets her own children, so there is less of a reason for her to start any arguments. Now that we're using 2houses, we don't have to print off calendars and make copies because there's a calendar right on the website.
The 2houses calendar is very easy to understand. Each parent is given a color, each child is given a color; no two people in the family have the same color. The days are color coded to each parent; if you have more than one child, it shows where each child is on which day. You even have the option to input a certain number of hours.
With all of that explained, Husband updated the calendar last Monday to reflect both Son and Daughter's spring break periods. This year is The Ex's year to have the kids on their breaks; Husband updated the calendar accordingly.
Sunday night, Husband picked up the kids at 5:30pm. The Ex tried calling both Son and Daughter around 6pm; they were either sleeping or not paying attention so they missed the calls. The Ex then left Husband a message:
"Hey [Husband], it's [The Ex]. I'm trying to call you; you're not answering. (Why does she have to state the most obvious things in the world? Of course she's trying to call him; that's why she's on the phone. And of course he's not answering; she wouldn't be leaving a message if he answered. How can one person be this stupid?) I called the kids too, so I can try and talk to you, and they're not answering. (Oh, good. I'm glad we pay for the kids' cell phones so that The Ex can try to call Husband on them. I mean, it's not like Husband has his own phone that she can call and leave him a message to let him know that he's not answering.) I...when you get home, can you please get your calendar out? Or the kids's schedule? (I hate myself for it but she said "kids's" and that is the only reason I wrote it like that.) For their days off and all that? 'Cause I was...I'm trying to figure out, and I wanna make sure I have this right. (Husband already put all of this info into the 2houses calendar. What exactly do you have that you're trying to "figure out"?) Um, for when I pick up and drop off. And you are pick up, or whatever. When you pick up. ("You are pick up." That just left her mouth.) So can you call me back? (No.) Um, if you can call me back at like, 8 o'clock tonight to make sure I'm home 'cause I'm gonna go grocery shopping here, right now? (If you want to talk to him at 8 o'clock, then why didn't you call him at that time? Why are you calling three different cell phones trying to get a hold of him?) Um....or, text me when it's good for you. It don't matter. I just- I want a verbal of...(You want a verbal what? "Verbal" is not a noun; it is an adjective used to describe something else. What are you asking for?) 'This is right and this is wrong,' or...you know. I don't know. I just wanna make sure I have it right, 'cause I don't wanna not pick them up when I'm supposed to. (Then read the calendar.) Um, or pick them up too early. (Then. Read. The. Calendar.) You know? It's a waste of a trip that way. (It's not a waste of a trip if you come here on the day that you're supposed to. Do you know how to figure out which day that would be? Read the damn calendar.) So, please....call me or answer your phone." (No and no. You've already been provided all the information that you need. There is literally nothing to discuss at this point.)
After leaving this message, The Ex then used Boyfriend's phone to call Son. Son answered, told Husband that The Ex wanted to talk to him about spring break. Husband told Son to tell The Ex that he did not have the calendar in front of him and he was not able to tell her anything. (Yeah, he's freaking operating a motor vehicle right now with your children inside of it. But no, you need to talk to him right now about a schedule that's already been provided to you.)
I've recently learned there's a name for this behavior. It's called "holding on with hate." I'll blog about it next time :)
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