Divorce Poison

  I've been reading a book titled "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak, and it has been tremendously insightful.  I strongly recommend it to anyone and everyone who has to deal with their own version of The Ex.

  One of the chapters I'm in the middle of reading outlines certain reasons as to why your ex is bad-mouthing you.  Among these is a technique called "holding on with hate," which seems to be The Ex's prevalent behavior.  There are other behaviors which she's obviously exhibited, such as poor boundaries, narcissism, insecurity, and seeking validation.  But the "holding on with hate" has been almost entirely accurate.

  According to Dr. Warshak, it is "surprising and ironic that often the ones who initiated the divorce have more difficulty accepting the end of the relationship." (The Ex filed for divorce and then told the kids that Husband didn't want to be a family anymore.)  The reason people "hold on with hate" is because they're unable to elicit a romantic or loving feeling in their ex; they are not ready to let go of the relationship.  Because of their inability to make the other person reciprocate their own feelings, they will do whatever they can just to get an emotional response.  Dr. Warshak likens this to "children starved for attention who misbehave to get it"; these types of people honestly prefer fighting and anger over being ignored.

  Quoting from this absolutely brilliant piece of literature, examples of "holding on with hate" are:

     •   Constantly pumps neighbors & friends for information about you and your activities (We don't tend to run in the same circles as The Ex, and we don't live close enough to each other for her to establish any type of relationship with our neighbors.  However, when The Ex first created a Facebook account, I heard from at least three of my friends that they had received friend requests from her.  The Ex had never spoken a single word to any of these people, which leads me to believe she was digging through my friend list.)

     •   Frequently initiates contact with you:  This may take the form of stalking, calling often, leaving long voice-mail messages, or threatening lawsuits. (I think the only reason we are not stalked is because The Ex lives 70 miles away.  The Ex does call repeatedly despite Husband telling her that he'd like to communicate in writing; the message she left him on Sunday was over a minute long, and yes, she always threatens court when she's not getting her way.)

     •   Tries to draw you into arguments to rehash old marital grievances (The Ex will ask for something and Husband will tell her no; The Ex replies with, "Well, when we were married..." and then makes up some lie about something that Husband did or didn't do.  She recently asked Husband if the kids could skip school; when he told her no, she stated that he had let the kids skip school and go to her sister's house.  This obviously did not happen.)

     •   Is preoccupied with expressing hatred for you even when you are not around. (The Ex and her mother were referring to Husband as "Ugly," which is really kind of sad because Son looks exactly like him.  The Ex also recently told the kids that I have "man hands.")

     •   Constantly shows up at places where you are sure to be. (Again, this doesn't happen but I think this is because of the distance between our homes.  If Husband was still single, maybe The Ex would show up more often.  Who knows.)

     •   Makes no attempt to inhibit hostile exchanges in public; (The Ex has started fights at Husband's work, his sister's home, our home, her home, a gas station...) provokes embarrassing scenes at children's school and athletic events. (The Ex threatened to bring the police to the kids' school when Husband told her she could not pick them up early.  The Ex and her family members got into a very loud, very public argument with Son's coaches following the final baseball game of the season.)

     •   Seems to take pleasure in the hostile encounters: for example, when talking about the turmoil they create, is unable to suppress a gleeful smile (Expanding on to the argument mentioned in the previous point, The Ex walked out onto the field and confronted Son's coach; she came back and announced to her family, "He goes, 'I'll talk to you later' and another lady goes, 'Don't do this in front of the kids!'  They don't know any better!"  It's almost as if she was bragging that other people were embarrassed by her behavior.  Additionally, the kids DID know better; we're talking about kids between the ages of 12 to 14.  They most certainly were aware of what was going on.)

     •   Though denouncing you as evil and worthless, periodically raises the possibility of reconciliation. Or, gives you the distinct impression that they want to reconcile. (The Ex filed for divorce three times in a period of less than 3 years; that should tell you something.  The third time, Husband called it quits for good; The Ex tried to reconcile and he told her he was done.  At some point when they were split up, The Ex actually proposed that they have another child together; she told Husband that they didn't need to be in a relationship, but could just make another baby.  During the early part of Husband's and my relationship, she called Husband about something and while he was answering a question she asked, she blurted out, "I love you."  Husband paused briefly, then continued as if she had said nothing.  She lied and said Husband told her that he wanted to go shopping together for the kids' school supplies; she ignored Husband's emails and then announced that they needed to talk and asked if he "wanted to get together" when she picked up the kids.)

  Now if you're not entirely convinced that The Ex is "holding on with hate," I'd like you to consider something.  Let me preface this by saying that I'm not excusing Husband for his part in the failed marriage; it takes two to make it work and they both made their own share of mistakes.  I'm not making excuses for Husband or even myself; we both get upset with The Ex, we both get angry and frustrated.  The difference is that on the rare occasion that these emotions are evoked from us, it is when The Ex is doing something that is hurting the kids whether directly or indirectly.

  With that being established, I'm going to point out that this year marks the tenth anniversary of the date that The Ex filed for divorce the third and last time; it will also be the tenth anniversary of Husband and The Ex's divorce being finalized.

  So if she's not "holding on with hate," then why is she still so angry after a decade of being apart?