Mediation = Waste of Time
I'm sure that for some people, mediation works great. However, when you are dealing with a narcissist who only cares about what works best for herself, then mediation is not going to work. Husband and The Ex had been to mediation twice before; it did nothing for them. Despite this, the court still refers them to mediation because...well, I don't know why. I guess they hope that maybe - just maybe - the two of them can agree on something and not waste the court's time. Unfortunately, The Ex wants everything done her way; if it's not done that way, we end up in court.
Husband and The Ex had mediation in September. As soon as it started, The Ex began complaining about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The Ex can't afford this, The Ex can't pay for that, The Ex doesn't agree to this, blah blah blah. Husband looked at her and said, "Why do you keep saying 'I'? We're supposed to be talking about the kids, not you." (Burn.) The Ex continued rambling on about how unfair everything in her life was.
Sports came up; The Ex said she wanted the kids to play in Hometown because "it's halfway" for her and Husband. Husband says, "Then why don't we enroll them in [Huge City an hour away]? That's halfway too." The mediator says maybe that would be the most fair for everyone if the kids played in Hometown. Husband repeats for the bazillionth time that he can't work around a Hometown sports schedule. The mediator says maybe they can talk to the coaches, explain the kids are going to miss practices. Husband says if they miss practice, they won't get to play; if they're not playing, it defeats the purpose of enrolling them in the first place. The mediator says this is just something they (Husband and The Ex) will have to get over together (So essentially, your job as a mediator is to sit there and do absolutely nothing at all. Perfect, glad I'm paying you $200 an hour to do jack squat)
Then the issue of The Ex's weekend placement comes up. The Ex says Husband is just trying to keep the kids away from her. Husband says that The Ex is working mostly on weekends; the kids are supposed to be spending time with her, which they can't do if she's at work. Husband says that there are things going on here that the kids would like to do, that they have friends here who they could be spending time with - instead, they're babysitting for The Ex. The Ex argues that she takes the kids places on her weekends, and that she's cutting her weekend hours. Husband looks at her and says, "If you cut your hours, it's only because you knew we were coming here today." The Ex stares at him and says nothing. The issue of working on weekends is discussed more, Husband says that The Ex's work is busiest on weekends so she's working 8-10 hours each day on weekends; The Ex opens her mouth and says, "It's more like 12 hours." (Thank you for making Husband's argument for him. I honestly don't know why she talks...)
Communication gets brought up. Husband says he can't communicate with The Ex - he tries talking to her, she calls him a liar; he tries texting her, she says she doesn't get the texts; he tries emailing her, she says she doesn't have Internet access. Husband says he's been sticking to email to avoid confusion or arguing over who said what. The Ex says she only checks her email maybe once every two weeks. The mediator says a lot of people have smartphones now days, asks The Ex if she has one. The Ex says yes, but she's cutting the Internet service on it to save money (Another lie - all through November, Daughter was logging into Facebook using an Android while she was at The Ex's house) The mediator asks if there's wi-fi around The Ex's house. The Ex says, "Yeah, my neighbor has it. I practically steal it." (Not the most choice words to use, but fine. You have wi-fi access) The mediator asks if anywhere else has wi-fi or Internet; The Ex goes down a list of McDonald's, the library, etc. (Because she is simply too dense to realize where this conversation is heading) The mediator says that with all of these wi-fi spots, The Ex can reasonably check her email more often than once every two weeks. The Ex says nothing.
The mediator brings up Our Family Wizard (For those of you who don't know, OFW is a website that is like email on steroids. Once something is sent, it cannot be edited or deleted. The website keeps a log of the date and time each person logs in. There are shared calendars for school and extracurricular activities. The best part is that the court also has access to your account; you can't print off a fake email and go into court claiming your ex threatened your life because the court will see if it was actually sent or not. Husband and I have discussed OFW in the past with Our Attorney and think it's a great idea.) The mediator talks about OFW a little bit and The Ex seems really on-board with the idea, saying it sounds great and she thinks it would be a good answer to their problem. Then the mediator says it gets kind of pricey ($99 per parent for one year) but it's a great tool. The Ex says, "No. That's not going to work." (The Ex is the one who lies, who creates all of the conflict, who makes all of this so much harder than it needs to be. We're willing to fork over almost $100 to eliminate at least some of the conflict; she doesn't want to do it.)
Somehow I get brought into the fold; I think they were discussing the day I sent The Ex a text message that said the baseball game was cancelled? The mediator asks The Ex how she and I get along. The Ex replies, "She hates my guts! The kids tell me!" (I never speak ill of The Ex to, or even around, Son or Daughter. As much as I do not like her, she is still their mom and they love her. They do not need to hear about the horrible things she's said and done to them, Husband, me or anyone else. When they are older and the time is right, we can have an open conversation about these things. But for now, I say nothing. So for her to say that the kids tell her that I hate her guts is completely bogus.) A short time later, The Ex says that she doesn't really know me and says that sometimes, she and I will talk a little bit at the kids' games (But I supposedly hate you? Is anyone else as confused as I am?)
Something else happened, I don't remember what exactly, and The Ex bursts out and tells Husband he's a liar. Husband looks at the mediator and says, "And that right there, is exactly why we can't communicate. It doesn't matter what I'm saying or how I say it, she tells me I'm a liar." At some point, The Ex was whining about never having money and yelled, "I'm losing my van because I don't have any money!" (How is this our fault? Don't get fired, you'll have money. Problem solved!)
After almost two hours of this nonsense, Husband finally said he was done, nothing was getting accomplished, and he wanted to know what the next step was. The mediator told him the next step would be a guardian ad litem; Husband said he wanted to go ahead with that because mediation wasn't working.
They left mediation; The Ex called Husband and asked if she could come see the kids at school (Since when do you need permission?) Husband and The Ex both got to the school; Husband waited by the doors with Baby Girl while The Ex looked over some stuff at the book fair with Son and Daughter. Husband heard The Ex ask the kids about having off of school later that week; the kids didn't respond. The Ex asked the kids a second time and again, the kids didn't respond. Finally The Ex says, "[Son], you don't have school on Thursday or Friday?" Son said, "No, but I already have plans." (Am I evil for laughing at this? I feel kind of evil for laughing at this. Not enough to stop laughing, but just a little bit evil.)
Two days later, the kids are on the phone with The Ex. I realize she's talking to them about them not having school (Instead of talking to Husband about it like a grown adult would do) The Ex is asking what we're doing (Going to see a movie), when we're doing it (Why is that your business?), do they even want to see that movie? (Why would we take them to a movie they don't want to see?) saying she wants to pick them up early, that Husband owes her make-up days, on and on and on. As she's talking to them, Husband scans and emails her a receipt for lunch tickets.
Literally six minutes after sending his email, The Ex sends an email completely unrelated to the one that Husband just sent her. The Ex says she wants to pick up the kids early and that Husband still owes her two make-up days (No, he doesn't) so she wants to use one of them. The Ex says she wants to pick the kids up from the movie we're going to see on Thursday, so to please let her know or call her (Nope. We've tried verbal communication, you are insane) The Ex says, "I did try asking you at the kids school but you just kept walking away when I mentioned to you the kids don't have school. I have talked to both kids and they would like to come." (A few things: you never talked to Husband at the school because you had both just gotten done with mediation and were done talking to each other. Also, why the hell are you talking to the kids about placement exchanges before you discuss it with their father?)
Husband emails The Ex back, tells her that he does not owe her any more make up days and to please check her calendar as far as what days were made up (We all know she wasn't keeping track of it, but we were. We do not owe her anything) Husband said that The Ex did not ask him anything at the school; she had asked the kids about them having off and Son told her he had plans. Husband told her that we already had plans (He and I had both gotten off of work so we could have a family day with all of the kids) so she would not be able to pick them up early, and if she had tried discussing this on Monday then he would have told her all of that then. Husband also told her to please talk to him next time she wanted to change the schedule, not the kids; he also asked her to give him more than one day's notice if she wanted to change something. (The Ex interprets this as Husband trying to keep the kids away from her. She actually told someone that. She emails him Wednesday night, says she wants to pick up the kids Thursday night; Husband says no, so the only logical answer is that he's just trying to keep the kids away from her.)
A week later, more drama.
Husband and The Ex had mediation in September. As soon as it started, The Ex began complaining about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The Ex can't afford this, The Ex can't pay for that, The Ex doesn't agree to this, blah blah blah. Husband looked at her and said, "Why do you keep saying 'I'? We're supposed to be talking about the kids, not you." (Burn.) The Ex continued rambling on about how unfair everything in her life was.
Sports came up; The Ex said she wanted the kids to play in Hometown because "it's halfway" for her and Husband. Husband says, "Then why don't we enroll them in [Huge City an hour away]? That's halfway too." The mediator says maybe that would be the most fair for everyone if the kids played in Hometown. Husband repeats for the bazillionth time that he can't work around a Hometown sports schedule. The mediator says maybe they can talk to the coaches, explain the kids are going to miss practices. Husband says if they miss practice, they won't get to play; if they're not playing, it defeats the purpose of enrolling them in the first place. The mediator says this is just something they (Husband and The Ex) will have to get over together (So essentially, your job as a mediator is to sit there and do absolutely nothing at all. Perfect, glad I'm paying you $200 an hour to do jack squat)
Then the issue of The Ex's weekend placement comes up. The Ex says Husband is just trying to keep the kids away from her. Husband says that The Ex is working mostly on weekends; the kids are supposed to be spending time with her, which they can't do if she's at work. Husband says that there are things going on here that the kids would like to do, that they have friends here who they could be spending time with - instead, they're babysitting for The Ex. The Ex argues that she takes the kids places on her weekends, and that she's cutting her weekend hours. Husband looks at her and says, "If you cut your hours, it's only because you knew we were coming here today." The Ex stares at him and says nothing. The issue of working on weekends is discussed more, Husband says that The Ex's work is busiest on weekends so she's working 8-10 hours each day on weekends; The Ex opens her mouth and says, "It's more like 12 hours." (Thank you for making Husband's argument for him. I honestly don't know why she talks...)
Communication gets brought up. Husband says he can't communicate with The Ex - he tries talking to her, she calls him a liar; he tries texting her, she says she doesn't get the texts; he tries emailing her, she says she doesn't have Internet access. Husband says he's been sticking to email to avoid confusion or arguing over who said what. The Ex says she only checks her email maybe once every two weeks. The mediator says a lot of people have smartphones now days, asks The Ex if she has one. The Ex says yes, but she's cutting the Internet service on it to save money (Another lie - all through November, Daughter was logging into Facebook using an Android while she was at The Ex's house) The mediator asks if there's wi-fi around The Ex's house. The Ex says, "Yeah, my neighbor has it. I practically steal it." (Not the most choice words to use, but fine. You have wi-fi access) The mediator asks if anywhere else has wi-fi or Internet; The Ex goes down a list of McDonald's, the library, etc. (Because she is simply too dense to realize where this conversation is heading) The mediator says that with all of these wi-fi spots, The Ex can reasonably check her email more often than once every two weeks. The Ex says nothing.
The mediator brings up Our Family Wizard (For those of you who don't know, OFW is a website that is like email on steroids. Once something is sent, it cannot be edited or deleted. The website keeps a log of the date and time each person logs in. There are shared calendars for school and extracurricular activities. The best part is that the court also has access to your account; you can't print off a fake email and go into court claiming your ex threatened your life because the court will see if it was actually sent or not. Husband and I have discussed OFW in the past with Our Attorney and think it's a great idea.) The mediator talks about OFW a little bit and The Ex seems really on-board with the idea, saying it sounds great and she thinks it would be a good answer to their problem. Then the mediator says it gets kind of pricey ($99 per parent for one year) but it's a great tool. The Ex says, "No. That's not going to work." (The Ex is the one who lies, who creates all of the conflict, who makes all of this so much harder than it needs to be. We're willing to fork over almost $100 to eliminate at least some of the conflict; she doesn't want to do it.)
Somehow I get brought into the fold; I think they were discussing the day I sent The Ex a text message that said the baseball game was cancelled? The mediator asks The Ex how she and I get along. The Ex replies, "She hates my guts! The kids tell me!" (I never speak ill of The Ex to, or even around, Son or Daughter. As much as I do not like her, she is still their mom and they love her. They do not need to hear about the horrible things she's said and done to them, Husband, me or anyone else. When they are older and the time is right, we can have an open conversation about these things. But for now, I say nothing. So for her to say that the kids tell her that I hate her guts is completely bogus.) A short time later, The Ex says that she doesn't really know me and says that sometimes, she and I will talk a little bit at the kids' games (But I supposedly hate you? Is anyone else as confused as I am?)
Something else happened, I don't remember what exactly, and The Ex bursts out and tells Husband he's a liar. Husband looks at the mediator and says, "And that right there, is exactly why we can't communicate. It doesn't matter what I'm saying or how I say it, she tells me I'm a liar." At some point, The Ex was whining about never having money and yelled, "I'm losing my van because I don't have any money!" (How is this our fault? Don't get fired, you'll have money. Problem solved!)
After almost two hours of this nonsense, Husband finally said he was done, nothing was getting accomplished, and he wanted to know what the next step was. The mediator told him the next step would be a guardian ad litem; Husband said he wanted to go ahead with that because mediation wasn't working.
They left mediation; The Ex called Husband and asked if she could come see the kids at school (Since when do you need permission?) Husband and The Ex both got to the school; Husband waited by the doors with Baby Girl while The Ex looked over some stuff at the book fair with Son and Daughter. Husband heard The Ex ask the kids about having off of school later that week; the kids didn't respond. The Ex asked the kids a second time and again, the kids didn't respond. Finally The Ex says, "[Son], you don't have school on Thursday or Friday?" Son said, "No, but I already have plans." (Am I evil for laughing at this? I feel kind of evil for laughing at this. Not enough to stop laughing, but just a little bit evil.)
Two days later, the kids are on the phone with The Ex. I realize she's talking to them about them not having school (Instead of talking to Husband about it like a grown adult would do) The Ex is asking what we're doing (Going to see a movie), when we're doing it (Why is that your business?), do they even want to see that movie? (Why would we take them to a movie they don't want to see?) saying she wants to pick them up early, that Husband owes her make-up days, on and on and on. As she's talking to them, Husband scans and emails her a receipt for lunch tickets.
Literally six minutes after sending his email, The Ex sends an email completely unrelated to the one that Husband just sent her. The Ex says she wants to pick up the kids early and that Husband still owes her two make-up days (No, he doesn't) so she wants to use one of them. The Ex says she wants to pick the kids up from the movie we're going to see on Thursday, so to please let her know or call her (Nope. We've tried verbal communication, you are insane) The Ex says, "I did try asking you at the kids school but you just kept walking away when I mentioned to you the kids don't have school. I have talked to both kids and they would like to come." (A few things: you never talked to Husband at the school because you had both just gotten done with mediation and were done talking to each other. Also, why the hell are you talking to the kids about placement exchanges before you discuss it with their father?)
Husband emails The Ex back, tells her that he does not owe her any more make up days and to please check her calendar as far as what days were made up (We all know she wasn't keeping track of it, but we were. We do not owe her anything) Husband said that The Ex did not ask him anything at the school; she had asked the kids about them having off and Son told her he had plans. Husband told her that we already had plans (He and I had both gotten off of work so we could have a family day with all of the kids) so she would not be able to pick them up early, and if she had tried discussing this on Monday then he would have told her all of that then. Husband also told her to please talk to him next time she wanted to change the schedule, not the kids; he also asked her to give him more than one day's notice if she wanted to change something. (The Ex interprets this as Husband trying to keep the kids away from her. She actually told someone that. She emails him Wednesday night, says she wants to pick up the kids Thursday night; Husband says no, so the only logical answer is that he's just trying to keep the kids away from her.)
A week later, more drama.
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